Bump

  It happened again. I dreamt a thing & then a version of it happened the next day.

I dreamt I was still working at the hospital in Reno, but was stuck in traffic more indicative of Los Angeles than northern Nevada. I moved slowly forward & accidentally bumped a cop car in front of me. My dreams are very real, so I felt the bump (akin to hitting a curb gently when you parallel park) in addition to the adrenaline rush when the cop in the driver’s seat emerged with gun drawn.

I had my window down so I put my hands up & shouted out “Unintentional!” He approached me (very Reno, thick mustache & belly) with the gun still up but said “Good. Exactly the right way to behave.” He lowered the gun slightly & asked me to exit the vehicle.

The two plain clothes officers he was traveling with at this time went through my glove box for my paperwork & patted me down. Meanwhile I was explaining that it was Take Your Cat To Work Day & I was distracted by Neil’s yowling & I was very sorry & felt super stupid. 

One of the plain clothes emerged from the rear of the car with a carrier that contained the yowling Neil. “Take Your Cat to Work Day?”

I shrugged. “It’s not an intelligent department.”

The uni drove my car into the “station” (log cabin) conveniently located right next to the road (where the Hell’s Angel house is in actual Reno, if I remember correctly) & they detained me & asked me some questions while Neil chased some chickens around (even Reno doesn’t have chickens in the police department in reality).

I was apparently so charming & entertaining that they let me go.

Fast forward to my actual driving to work in the real, waking world. Not 500 meters from my house, in a line of abominable LA traffic, my car lurched forward ever so gently. It felt like the engine revved or knocked or something, so I looked for a light on the dash, looked to see if the gear slipped, turned off the radio & air to listen. Nothing.

Idiotically I started looking around the inside of the car to see what caused it, & then I saw my rear view mirror. I had since edged a little forward as the traffic had moved about a meter, and in the mirror was a white Prius, & in the white Prius was a slim young woman in huge sunglasses making wild gestures at her steering wheel. It was interesting enough that I watched her for a while before the light turned green & I was able to finally go. I noted that she was texting while also flailing.

It was about 5 minutes later I realized she had hit me, exactly with the same almost-nothing force that I hit the cop car in my dream. And I had let her go, not because her flail-texting behind the wheel was entertaining, but because I genuinely hadn’t figured out what happened.

When I got to work, I checked the bumper & she hadn’t damaged it at all. I did not notice any damage on her bumper when she was behind me. So that was the strange, short tale of the bump.
I say “again” because the last dream I posted here also came true-ish, in that I was lost in Pasadena (where Christopher lives) in a mall & the surrounding construction looked exactly like the Pirates of the Caribbean construction in the dream. I turned to my sister & said “I have intense déjà vu right now,” & then realized why.

And also because this has been happening to me since I was 9 or 10. But many of you already knew that.

No Interpretation Feasible

Last night I was unceremoniously woken at 4:30AM by a vomiting cat. I had to pee so I got up & stepped in the vomit, which necessitated cleaning my feet & making it impossible to just drop back to sleep.

So I read a couple chapters of Harry Potter & The Methods of Rationality before falling back to sleep. This may have been an error in judgment. I usually read the prophets to sleep. Sorry, Isaiah.

My friend Christopher turned me on to this fan fic, which you know was no small undertaking because, well. Um. Cough. But this is Christopher. He knows things. Anyhow, I’m hooked.

Subsequently I dreamt that Christopher & I were visiting w/ his school friends. He is working on a PhD in physics in Los Angeles, but in the dream it was an undergrad in Engineering from UNR.  His friends lived in a part of town that was already  known to be enchanted, but thanks to overzealous Disney development had become possessed of evil spirits. 

It was an unholy mess. Disney was building a Pirates of the Caribean themed shopping center in Reno, which is the last place anything like that should happen, & also something like that should never happen. Ancient tortured souls now infested the shopping center. Christopher’s friends lived adjacent.

I drove over there with my actual real life roommate & Christopher, pointing out along the way all the times I had seen actual gnomes in this neighbourhood when I lived there, before Disney chased them all out. When we parked, I spotted a stone gnome & dragged Christopher over to a stand of trees to see that they were real. Christopher shrugged, said that there was probably a scientific explanation, & I patted the stone gnome on the head & told Christopher he was undoubtably right. Stone gnomes don’t talk, so the little guy smiled & went back to being a statue.

Christopher’s friends were two blonde girls who had both made foods Christopher & I can’t eat (him, nuts; me, celiac disease). They said that we were pussies if we didn’t at least try, but Christopher talked them out of it (& apologized to me out the side of his mouth). I mean it was a frigging nut cake, walnuts & wheat. My roommate made up for us by eating a bunch.

Christopher wanted to have a word with these girls, so he left me alone in the kitchen. My roommate went with him part way. I saw a leather bag on a chair & went to move it to sit down, but the second I touched it, it turned into Persephone, who has just died in real life, & I held her & sobbed & told her I missed her while stroking her. Christopher came out, saw I was crying, & asked what was wrong. I told her “She’s dead, but she came back for a minute to say goodbye properly. Don’t you see her?”

“Kellie, I’m sorry, but that is a purse.”

“No, it’s my cat,” I sobbed, but it did turn back into a purse, so I set it down. While I had been crying, I’d removed my glasses & now couldn’t find them. Christopher & I were looking for them, then saw my roommate had them in her hands. She said “Do you need these?” & then snapped them in half. We were shocked. His blonde friends came out cackling & said “Now you can never leave!” My roommate said she had a migraine but I could tell she wanted to stay with the blondes. I knew something was wrong so I shouted “Run!” & started running.

I was half way down a walk way/gang plank in the stupid shopping centre when I realized Christopher wasn’t behind me. A father & his kid told me “You’ve been sprinkled with poison. You need to rinse off,” so I wandered back looking for a shower. I ran into Christopher & he said, “I’m so sorry. My friends have become evil witches. I’m trying to talk sense into them.”

They were already closing around me, so I just tried to stand in the shower with my clothes on while they hovered over me with hands like claws. Then a little blonde angel boy appeared in an orb of white light & said “Don’t be afraid! They cannot hurt you now.”

The witches backed off & the little angel boy came closer to me. Then he turned into this guy:

 

The Simpsons’ social worker/black angel, Gabriel.


He then said “You and Christopher must vanquish this evil. Also you were black all along. Behold!”

And I looked down at my fingers & they started to go from my usual pallor to darker & I looked in the mirror & I was this girl from Bones

  & I turned to everyone & said “I knew I was black!” And my roommate handed me a Happy Meal & I said “I can’t eat this; I have celiac disease,” & the angel Gabriel said “Yes, you can, child. You’re black now.” So I shoveled that hamburger, bun & all, in my face while Christopher said “That doesn’t make any sense. African-Americans are also susceptible to the genetics of…” & then the alarm went off & I woke up.

DAMN YOU METHODS OF RATIONALITY!!!

Horror Show

Now that I’m watching The Walking Dead, my dreams are clearly influenced, except I don’t believe in zombies so my brain invents even more horrifying scenarios.

In last night’s dream I was living in the messiest of dorms. I think it was Georgetown. A ginger dude I met in the hall had a clear & endearing crush on my roommate, who I’m pretty sure was my friend Nurse Rachel. I jokingly said he needed to step up his game if he wanted her attention, & his face instantly changed. His eyes glassed over & he broke out in a sweat. He didn’t actually become a zombie, but everything he did after demonstrated a sublimation of his free will & motion.

I figured out, after a couple of scenarios involving thinking that I wanted a coffee & that traffic in Hollywood was bugging me, that he responded to my every whim even if it would kill him. The guy would show up in a panic & sweat to take care of my every thought.

He was in obvious distress & so was I. I got to a point where I tried hard to stop thinking of anything so he wouldn’t show up. I begged him to stop bringing me things. Dhino at work even tried to bar him from coming in to hand me food or clothes or shoes. I was in tears seeing his haggard, exhausted face. I gave everything he brought me away.

Toward the end of the dream, it occurred to me to pray to God to restore this young man’s free will, which he had given to me without my permission or desire. And immediately he was free. He wandered off in a daze & I never saw him again. Then I woke up.

That was awful.

Hecho En Mexico

The most significant item in this dream, to me, is that I was drinking a non-gluten free beer, which is the first time I’ve consumed a gluteny item in a dream since my celiac diagnosis in 2009. Indeed, my paranoia about getting sick again is so ingrained that even when Eliza Dushku took me to a pastry buffet in one dream, I refused.

But you guys no doubt will find the rest much more interesting.

I was asked to come down to a Mexican border town to meet a prominent Mexican psychiatrist to assist in the diagnosis and treatment of a famous American. The doctor met me for the cervesa (which I did order “light”…evidently I can’t not dream I’m off my diet), but said he’d rather discuss the case in his office. We walked down the street to a beautiful old stucco building and went inside.

His office was a richly appointed typical psychiatrist’s office, with shelves of books and a couch or two covered in fine Corinthian leather. My brain is nothing if not informed by Ricardo Mantelban. He took out a file and handed it to me with great ceremony. I sat in a chair and started reading:

Subject displays profound fear of alien abduction. He states he has been taken by aliens in the past and probed anally with a long, glowing, white instrument. His obsession and paranoia over this instrument has caused him to experience great psychological discomfort when rewatching Star Wars. He presents because Star Wars viewing is an integral part of his identity, and he wishes to be free of this distress so he can return to his normal life activities.

The photo inside the file and the name on the file was Wil Wheaton. I looked up at the doctor and he looked at me with wild eyes.

“Chupacabras, Miss Adan?”

I chuckled. “Maybe Star Wars overload.”

“¿Creas en las chupacabras, Señorita?”

“No, doctor. But the patient clearly should be submitted to involuntary psychiatric incarceration & observation.”

“Then it is as I feared. This is the course of action I had decided upon, but I needed your help to get your government’s permission. I will write up the order now.”

He scrawled the order in pencil on a legal pad, which was apparently good enough for the US government. In a joint effort between American authorities and Federales, we finally cornered Wheaton on a dock at gun point & took him into protective custody, for his own good. Myself & the doctor asked the law men to please go carefully with the patient, as his fear of chupacabras was so great that any authority figures might spook him. They locked him in the back of a car & he pressed his hands against the window, screaming “No, not again!”

Then I woke up.

Lessons From The Apocalypse

As y’all know from Twitter, I dream about the apocalypse a lot. It’s not the apocalypse of Revelation, but a post-catastrophic earthquake kind of to-do which is always survived in good humour and with many tacos. I’ve compiled a list of my own post apocalyptic revelations below, entirely based on my dreams:

-When The Big One hits California, all the homes on the Malibu cliffs slide backwards into the valley, not forward toward the ocean. Sorry, rich peeps. It’s oddly a lot of fun to be in one of those homes as it slides, & everyone survives with cuts and scrapes.

Recoil is the soundtrack of the apocalypse, but to be fair it’s the soundtrack to pretty much everything.

-My friends & I always survive. We are well armed, protect the women & children, drink a lot of beer, & eat a lot of tacos. Until the gasoline runs out, we drive around in a Hummer helping people. Then we have a boat. Then we just walk everywhere in giant formations, cracking wise & getting lost.

-I am extremely physically fit in the apocalypse. Like T2 Sarah Connor fit.

-Post apocalyptic people are mainly about helping each other. There is no cellular service. We gather mostly to party. People have no existential angst. Nobody whines. All battery power is used to run music playing devices.

-There seems to be an unlimited supply of canned goods.

-Everybody has a dog. Cats are inexplicably absent.

-The sombrero becomes popular as the world’s supply of sunblock runs out.

-Most people live in portable tents & go where the party is.

Meredith Dake looks immaculately groomed all the time & can pick off a rabbit with a rifle from 500 yards. Mmm, rabbit taco.

Thoughts Without Context

I’m going to say something nice about the iPhone. Haters gonna hate; I’m sure your Droids & Datas & Daleks all have similar functions. But I love the notepad. I use it to make grocery lists, & also to write down now inexplicable things I wanted to remember, like this:

“hugpundit”

What was the purpose of that? Was it inspired by the conspicuously-absent-from-Twitter Killpundit? Was it a user name I briefly considered?

Here are some other notes, of varying import.

On January 5, 2010, I was evidently on the phone with Tabz, as I attributed these two statements to her:

“To me, he’s like…the Pope.”

&

“The pool is maturity.”

I recall wanting to make t-shirts out of these tidbits…t-shirts that would make sense to no one, t-shirts that hipsters would be over in 5 weeks.

I also write down what are to me significant visions, both waking & in dreams. To prove the dates, I’ve screen capped em:

20110612-050441.jpg

This one I dreamed was a tweet:

20110612-050534.jpg

On April 25, I wrote down “Oasis Wellness Ctr Thousand Oaks”, which I now recall has some kind of heat box that melts fat.

On April 27, I wrote this poem. I was apparently angry about the way someone treated someone I care about:

Look, bitch.
You’re a crass little piglet.
You flirt like an elderly whore.
Your mother had you in crinoline
Now you’re bracken on the shore
And your feeble lashes totter on the edge of
Something more.

About a month ago I wrote, during a function, “Advertisers are being SCREWED! Ben’s book!!!” I seem to be quite emphatic, & somehow Ben Shapiro’s ‘Primetime Propaganda’ was the answer.

In January 2010 I jotted this down. It might have been an idea for a blog post or letter:

“B4 my descent into illness-precipitated mealiness, I used to attend my fair share of hoity toity Republican soirée thingies.
Enjoy their $
PJ”

By “enjoy their $” I’m pretty sure I meant that Republicans acknowledge money & don’t agonize over it like limousine liberals. PJ has to be PJ O’Rourke, but it could also be Pajamas Media. God knows to whom this was directed.

The rest of my notes include classified information about my car & shopping needs, though you can guess exactly what my last one says…

“RockStar
Ham
White corn tortillas
Fruit
Creamer…evil??”

Friends That Dreams Are Made Of

I have the awesomest friends ever. They’re even awesome in my dreams, which I will get to in a second. First, let me expound upon the virtues of my roommate, Tabby.

Tabby: [DAH-bee] n. 1. A creature of brain & determination, rooted in insight, who is good at thinking & doing. 2. A rare breed.

My headlights went out on my car. This person, the Rock Tabster (another incarnation of her name), Snoop Tabby Tabs Esquizzle (as she is an attorney) researched what my car model needed, bought the bulbs on the way home from work, & battled Korean engineering at great personal sacrifice to change the bulbs out. She didn’t have to do this; she didn’t need to do this, but she did, without being asked. She is awesome.

She was also in my dream last night, as were several of my other friends. It was pretty bitchin’. If you like over the top gritty action shit, this dream would be your favorite film.

It was set in a quasi-post-apocalyptic Los Angeles. There had been some kind of major incident, not bad enough to destroy the city, but there was some intense damage in parts. It seemed to involve an international conflict as LA was uncharacteristically hardened, self-sufficient, & patriotic…like the country but with high rises, lights, & Mercedes.

Picture a partly blown out condo…mine & Tabby’s, but the utilities were all working. We’d made a makeshift patio out of what was left of my bedroom & were watching CNN on my TV. Kurt & Irina were there, as was Ben & the person known on Twitter as Salty Hollywood. We were surveying damage across the nation & loading assault weapons when one of my favorite songs played of its own accord on my iPhone; I picked it up. “Hi Adam. We’re all here.”

“Good, good. Meet me, Pig, & Krupke at Ventura & Sepulveda. The task force needs to start tonight if we’re gonna nip this bullshit in the bud.”

We all got in Tabby’s Camry & rolled over slightly damaged & debris-laden streets to the location. Adam, Pig, & Krupke were in a Hummery jeep with guns mounted up front. Everybody did “man hugs” & mounted up as other vehicles filled with other local friends pulled up.

It was an odd mix, as I’m friends/good acquaintances with both diehard conservatives & flaming liberals in this town. In addition to the folks in our vehicle, there was another w/ Andrew, Nolte, Gaz, Shelli, & Larry + wife. Another with Dan, Edith, my boss, & Jen. James, Beth, Shannon & Dwight must have driven up for the occasion. Thad, Ezra, Meredith, Holly & Chris were apparently in town, too.

Adam & Kurt gave us a run down of the plan & we were off. Every single building we passed, whether high rise, apartment complex, or taco stand had an American flag hanging or draped from it. We stopped at a big bank where the flag was backwards. Pig let a short burst out in the air to get the inhabitants’ attention.

A very slim, balding, besuited banker came out. Tabby trained the jeep gun on the building while the rest of us jumped out & greeted the banker. He looked terrified.

“You in charge in there?” Adam gruffly asked.

“Uh, yeah. I’m in charge of mortgages.”

Ben snorted.

Kurt walked up to him, “Sir, are you aware that your American flag is hung incorrectly?”

The guy looked up. “Uh, no? What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s the other way around, dumbass,” Adam said, not without humor, walking up to him. “Our team can fix it for ya.”

The guy blinked. “Uh, yeah! Yeah! Please, by all means!”

Krupke covered the entrance while myself & some of the others got a rig set up. Keep in mind, I am terrified of heights, so this is not something I would normally do. I handed Adam my weapon & got up there with Ben & Salty. We were up around the eighth floor, got the flag turned around, & lowered ourselves down. We packed up the rig & continued down Ventura, the team doing something like 25 more places before calling it a night. People cheered as we rolled on.

We then had a giant taco party & I woke up.

This dream was even more fun than the time I was blonde & took out 80 mob guys with two Glocks & a knife. It was also the first dream in five days that didn’t feature Stephen Kruiser in a Mexican street market, which is weird cos he has guns & is also a friend.

I don’t know what was more fun…running around LA open carrying with my people or seeing LA actually give a damn about the flag. Either way, I drank a lot of margaritas at that taco party.