Barbara Walters is into some high level shit. She’s down an Illuminati rabbit hole so deep you’d come out the other end wiping Morlock poop off your shoes.

“Uh oh, KJ’s had sugar,” you moan.

BUT NO. Y’all are making fun of the doyenne of dreck because she said that Amal Clooney’s wedding to George Clooney was one of “the greatest achievements in human history“, but that just proves you’re an ignorant snarky asshole & I’m about to tell you why.

But first…Google the happy couple. Google them! I’m not going to link a photo here cos that shit is probably copy written & I don’t want to be sued by Big Clooney. Look at them. Stare deep into their dark, expressive eyes. Behold their generous brows. Bask in their chiseled features. She is his female clone.

I screamed this at the TV the first time I saw them on TMZ. Then I remarked, probably to a cat, “Those other women he’s been dating all his life never stood a chance. He’s been waiting while his opposite-sex clone grew to full size in her maturation vat. He cultivated his sexual desires & prowess on many willing partners while Amal obtained her total Clooney-brain-download in the Inculcation Chamber. Only when she was ready could he claim her as his unholy, created bride.”

And why not? When you have the money, power, and social aspirations of a George Clooney, why would you not use all your Masonic pull to get a little blip past congress–a little legislative oopsie–to allow you to get past international bans on human cloning? Christ, the word Clooney* is so close to “clone” it’s like God Himself pointed His finger at you, clicked His tongue, & said “Go for it, sport! You alone deserve the Heinlein-inspired ego-stroke of the opposite sex clone!”

Barbara Walters wasn’t calling a mere Italian wedding one of the greatest achievements in human history. She was talking about the pinnacle of fucking biological science.

So knock it off, you smarmy assholes.


*Heh heh, Cloney.

Plus also he can harvest her organs.