Lessons From The Apocalypse

As y’all know from Twitter, I dream about the apocalypse a lot. It’s not the apocalypse of Revelation, but a post-catastrophic earthquake kind of to-do which is always survived in good humour and with many tacos. I’ve compiled a list of my own post apocalyptic revelations below, entirely based on my dreams:

-When The Big One hits California, all the homes on the Malibu cliffs slide backwards into the valley, not forward toward the ocean. Sorry, rich peeps. It’s oddly a lot of fun to be in one of those homes as it slides, & everyone survives with cuts and scrapes.

Recoil is the soundtrack of the apocalypse, but to be fair it’s the soundtrack to pretty much everything.

-My friends & I always survive. We are well armed, protect the women & children, drink a lot of beer, & eat a lot of tacos. Until the gasoline runs out, we drive around in a Hummer helping people. Then we have a boat. Then we just walk everywhere in giant formations, cracking wise & getting lost.

-I am extremely physically fit in the apocalypse. Like T2 Sarah Connor fit.

-Post apocalyptic people are mainly about helping each other. There is no cellular service. We gather mostly to party. People have no existential angst. Nobody whines. All battery power is used to run music playing devices.

-There seems to be an unlimited supply of canned goods.

-Everybody has a dog. Cats are inexplicably absent.

-The sombrero becomes popular as the world’s supply of sunblock runs out.

-Most people live in portable tents & go where the party is.

Meredith Dake looks immaculately groomed all the time & can pick off a rabbit with a rifle from 500 yards. Mmm, rabbit taco.


4 thoughts on “Lessons From The Apocalypse

  1. DJWeideman says:

    No cats? Don’t let BabyNeilcat read this. Although I would probably have a dog, too. Preferably, a 3-legged mutt named either Tripod or Special Agent Dale Cooper.

  2. Tony Rancont says:

    Might be more biblical than not. Cats are not mentioned (and I may be wrong about this, but I know I heard it somewhere, and damned if I ever found a mention) at all in the Bible.

    Well, except lions. Those bad boys show up everywhere…

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