I’m going to preface this by warning you that I come off like a complete elitist dick & I absolutely don’t care, so any earnest & impassioned whinging in the comments section will be heartily mocked. I will also mock your spawn & all traces of your DNA floating throughout the universe. So shut your hack gob.
What happened to just going to a film or watching a TV show or listening to music made by professional artists & saying to yourself, “Gee, that was splendid! I sure did enjoy that. I’m going to continue to support this artist & respectfully purchase their works & tell my friends and family about them” which is exactly what my mother has done with Michael Buble & if my mother hasn’t grabbed you by the shoulders & told you how achingly amazing & good natured & supremely talented Michael Buble is then let me be the first to congratulate you on your safe return from Mars where you were obviously establishing a thriving colony for the past two years. You’re a brave American & a credit to the space program & humanity as a race.
Back before the Internet, fans of things bought shit, hung out together, & shut their hack faces. Now that the Internet has allowed everyone 15 minutes of shame, there exists fanfic, filk, sincere & earnest horrible covers, & fan dubs. See, before you kids started playing on my lawn with your acoustic guitar & your Bronie ears & your web cam, artistically inclined folk (like myself from time to time) were inspired by our favorite artists to make our own shit, not to copy it or dub it or for the sweet love of God write slashfic about it. NOBODY SANE WANTS HARRY POTTER AND SPOCK TO MAKE LOVE IN THE TARDIS. Why are you people allowed in public?!
These heinous secret fantasies used to be in your head or your parents’ basement where they belonged. Now you actually publish &/or film them so that decent people like me googling “Aragorn/Theoden alliance pre-Hornburg” will pull up a Deviant Art link titled “Aragorn & Theoden horny servicing horses” & I want to stab my eyes out with Anduril.
Oh yeah be careful googling “Flame of the West” because…yeah.
And nobody needs you to live tweet a film either, Ebert’s Apprentice. Turn your goddamned phone off & enjoy the fucking movie you paid $18 to see. Oh, I paid that too, asshat, & I shouldn’t have to kill you with my mind. Which I can do, by the way, so don’t even try it. The burning in the back of your skull means it’s working!
I will say one encouraging thing to you fanpersons before I go, which is if you really feel the need to write “Captain Mal Tenderly Makes Up With Jayne” ew ew ew ew, reconsider & write original homoerotic space cowboy porn. There’s a market for that shit & you could actually make cashy money if you write an original story not based upon copywrited work.
Oh & ThinkGeek? Your mash up tees are art theft. Just a thought.
Fans, if you really want to honour something you love, leave it alone. Don’t appropriate it, violate it, or “add” to it. If it needed your help, Joss, Gene, George (well, maybe not George) et al would have asked for it. Think about how you’d feel if you knitted a baby blanket & some weirdo turned it into a bondage thong. Are you sad & naked to your every soul? Yes. So stop.
If you’re aroused, I know a guy who can service your needs. But like all real artists, he charges money for his original services.*
*Don’t actually contact me about that.