Duh

As a reformed “bad girl”, I struggle pretty much daily with my innate instinct to be mischievous in a mostly harmless way & still live in service to Christ. While Christ has a sense of humour, He’s vague about mostly harmless creatures who could really torment the ever living fuck out of men were they so inclined.

They are so inclined.

And what’s the harm in that, asks you, red blooded XY chromosome carrier? After all, you enjoy being tormented. That’s why you stream porn on your phone, isn’t it? It’s why you follow hot chicks on Twitter. It’s why you friended Sally Biderman on Facebook, even though you last saw her face down in a pool of flour paste, macaroni & glitter in Mrs. Peeley’s kindergarten class, because she grew up to be fucking hot. And unlike you, she’s divorced. Not that you’d ever, but…fucking hot. And you played tag with her once, which is like touching…

Men have their own special hells.

Anyhow, by the sheer energy of my own existence have I become this creature who was defined against her will at a very early age as a desirable object. She’s never known any different, & despite actively & sometimes subconsciously fighting that defined quality, it’s inherent now to her being. She learned how it could be positive, how it made people happy. What’s wrong with making people happy? Harmless fun!

And while having this exact conversation with Jesus not ten minutes ago, she heard Him say, “Who makes you happy? Is it really your job to amuse others all the time?”

“Well yeah!” she said, dragging incessantly off an electronic clove. “Is bringing happiness to nice men a sin? I’m not doing anything horrible like sleeping with anyone. And I would so very much like to sleep with someone.”

And He says “Right, cos that has always worked out so well for you in the past. Look at how happily married you’ve never been!” because Jesus is kind of a sarcastic dick to me as that’s the only way to get through.

And I was like “But what does my happiness, safety & security matter if I’m making others happy?”

And Jesus sighed & said “I didn’t come here to punish anyone & I didn’t come here to make you miserable or sad. I did come here to save you. And those various rules aren’t so KJ can feel all conflicted & sad. They’re to liberate you from your stupid fricken choices. You’ve had a lifetime of poor treatment to overcome. If I left you to your own devices without Grace, where would you be now?”

Pause. “Dead in a field?”

“Many times over. Anyhow don’t blog about this. Nobody gets it.”

“But people think it helps them when I share this stuff.”

“Eh, suit yourself. I forget you don’t care if anyone thinks you’re crazy.”

I realized I was getting tired. “Is it ok for me to have friends, Jesus?”

“I thought you’d never ask. Yes, please, make all the friends you can. What they think about you in their private man minds is none of your business, nor is it your fault.”

“It’s not?”

“No. Goodness, child, how could it be?”

“I dunno.”

“Be logical.”

“But…”

“Would you tell a friend it was her fault?”

“No.”

“See?”

“I…oh.”

“C’mon. Who’s the Son of God, here?”

And I then I was all “Oh yeah.”

Homemade Chicken Soup For the Decadent Soul

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I have a cold, & I need to get better immediately because I’m self employed & I need to be able to hear & talk all day. I am feeding myself healing foods that I’d be proud to serve to a husband & family, but meanwhile it’s just me & my post-nasal drip. I’ve been asked to share this recipe a 100 times so you can feed it to your beloved snot factories, too.

Start with a mirapoix. If you’re low carb, nix the carrots & double your celery. Once you’ve chopped (or, being sick, picked up a pre-chopped tub from Trader Joe’s), dump it into a pot that has 2 tablespoons of silky unsalted butter melted & browning. Give it a stir until your onions are going clear & you’ve got a bit of brown.

Add bite sized pieces of chopped up chicken. This can be from a pound to however much protein you need. If you’re sick, you can shred up a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken. Nobody’s looking. Brown it up with sea salt & pepper & add your chicken broth.

Wait, you didn’t already have some from-scratch chicken broth on hand in the freezer? Oh yeah, I’m judging you (but you can also use 4 cups gluten free chicken broth from a…Lord help me…store). If you don’t have enough broth, just add water to cover. Throw in some cloves of garlic. The idea is to DESTROY THE VIRUS & possibly all of the cancer ever.

Now let that come to a boil. Add brown rice noodles or, if you want a low carb option, MOAR CELERY which is actually quite nice. Let that cook according to the directions on the noodle package (or until the new celery goes soft).

Here is the optional clincher, but it makes it special. At the end, add a tablespoon or 2 of Dijon mustard. If you need a sinus buster, go to an Asian grocery & get the real hot stuff, not the frou-frou Caucasian nonsense. Then add a handful or two of finely chopped parsley, stir, & serve.

Congratulations! You’ve now won the love of your snot-encrusted family!

Fit In Your Fitness!

Errbody so busy–busy with texting, must see TV, getting ready for work, working, jerkin’ it & shirkin’ it. Whatevs. Even if you can’t bust out 30 minutes 3 times a week (& really? Seriously? You can’t? Are you a brain surgeon, mother of 4, & mayor of a major metropolitan area?), you can fit in some fitness. Yes, you.

Here’s what I shoved into my morning grooming routine today:

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I did the push ups while I was waiting for my curling iron to heat up & I did the squats while curling my hair in boots with 3″ heels. I do my hair in 5 sections, so that was 10 squats a section. Hold your styling tool steady & you’ll find you’re in perfect form. Then get low, get low, get low.

Here’s what I managed the other day whilst saving the world from anxiety & rage:
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You can do squats while you wait for your Keurig to bless you with delicious Sumatran dark roast. You can do sit ups before you get out of bed. You can do chest rows during ads while watching Justified. I have fibromyalgia & tend toward activity overload panic, so if I can do it, anybody can. For reals.

Well? How many squats did you do while reading this? KNOCK SOME OUT NOW, SOLDIER!

Rape Prevention & Why Y’all Are Idiots

I’m over everybody, on the left & right, everybody talking about rape on Twitter. Not only does it not occur to any of these well meaning hand wringers that every time a survivor even sees the word rape, he/she goes into a tale spin of post traumatic stress, they also tend to miss a major point: that rape is going to happen, & no amount of education, preparation, or prayer is going to stop it.

We are born animals, & we all have animal inclinations. No one is exempt from this, though most people have a rational handle on it. You can call it original sin, you can call it primal instinct, you can call it pure evil. We’re all imperfect, & the only rational defense against evil is to give the less evil the means to defend themselves against it.

Now let me drop some science.

I was part of a graduate psychology study in which we produced 3 films targeted for “high risk” rape inclination populations: college aged men in athletics & fraternities. Due to various statistics & whatnot, these young bucks were considered more likely to commit date rape. Lots of booze, lots of entitlement, high achieving, cultures of permissiveness, yadda yadda.

The 3 films represented 3 modes of changing young men’s thinking about rape. We made all 3 to test which mode increased their aversion to indulging in what the internet would term “rapey” activity.

The first film was meant to develop empathy with potential victims. It showed girls crying, going to counseling, having their sex assault kits run, & even graphic photos of post-assault vaginas. It was brutal. That one had little effect.

The second one had so little measurable effect that I don’t even remember what it was about.

The third was consequence-based. “Here’s what happens if you get caught & convicted for rape.” College & career failure, disappointment of parents, & prison rape were highlighted. We even had a super creepy ZZ Top looking guy talking about fish & young asses. This film had the most discernible effect on post test. We decided this was the one we’d show for those “Don’t rape people” seminars campuses like to have.

Empathy didn’t work. Consequences did. Harsh penalties for rape & the social stigma attached to being labeled a rapist work, kind of, in young men who care about such things.

This of course has zero effect on the sociopath, persons with Antisocial Personality Disorder, & hardened criminals. They don’t give a hot damn about consequences. They don’t care if you’re drunk, old, sick, a child, wearing a burka or even Crocs. They just want to dominate & humiliate weaker persons with sex.

Because they can.

The only way to prevent all rape is to make it so you cannot be raped by anyone. Being armed at all times is an excellent first step. This doesn’t help children, it doesn’t help the mentally ill, it doesn’t help the comatose, infirm, or those who lock their weapon in a safe in a different room than the one they’re in.

Rape, murder, and assault are not going away, ever. Most people have the self control to not attempt any of these violent crimes. So most people should be armed at all times. That’s just life. Laws can only punish, not prevent. Most guns drawn and knives pulled to prevent crime need not even be fired or stabbed, but if you feel you can wow someone with your blackbelt in a martial art, think about how close you want that person.

Should you be unarmed, dig your thumbs into his eye sockets, should thrusting his genitals into his abdomen with your knee fail to yield results.

This of course doesn’t work for the drugged, or those knocked out from behind.

Do you understand now? We cannot prevent all rape, even if armed. But we can prevent a hell of a lot of violent crime by arming most people. Most people are not criminals.

Quick Faux Thai for Neuromuscular Happiness

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This is the laziest healthful recipe for one yet. You ready? It will blow your mind how good this is, how much nutrient bang you get for your buck, & how unbelievably shamefully lazy I am.

Ingredients:
-like a handful of cooked chicken
-a steamer or frozen bag of sugar snap peas
-extra virgin cold pressed coconut oil
-grated or squeeze-tube ginger
-salt to taste

Heat up the chicken. I usually make an entire bag of frozen breasts in the crockpot each week (throw in a handful of peeled garlic cloves, set for 10 hours, & walk away). What with the weather changes, my fibro’s been awful wiggy, so I just got a bag of Tyson’s frozen fully cooked chicken breast slices. Shut up. I know it’s “processed”, but as processed foods go, it’s fairly clean. Don’t get the chunks as they’re heinous. Get the strips.

Prepare the sugar snap peas according to the directions on the bag. Now combine the chicken & peas in a bowl & dump a teaspoon to a tablespoon of coconut oil on top. Let it melt, then add the ginger & salt. Toss it all together & eat it.

As I make all my recipes on a whim, I was not prepared for how very Thai this would turn out. It’s lovely. One day I might add lemon grass.

If you’re endurance training, add some brown rice. If you’re muscle building like me, it’s fine as is.

Coconut oil and ginger are both wonderful for neuromuscular & digestive issues. I am on a tablespoon-of-coconut-oil-a-day regimen, & this is the most delicious way I’ve found to accommodate that. I normally melt it in coffee or chai tea, but this is better. I’m pretty sure it’s my standard lunch from now on.

You can google why coconut oil & ginger are good for your nervous system & gut, or you can just eat it & reap the benefits. I’m not your mother or your secretary, though for a nominal fee I could pretend to be either. Don’t make it weird, though.