Buttery Goodness


I have just had the honour of reading something so good, it was like having a plate of cookies all to myself, with a pot of tea, & The Sound of Music on the telly.

Not a lot of what we read these days is in any way comforting or nourishing. Much fiction (my own included) suffers from deep wounds, bleeding & festering with infected psychological fissures each chapter is meant to debride, but seldom does. Hell, this paragraph alone is a perfect example of that. 

And the stuff we see daily on social media is in some ways worse. Much of it has about as much flavour & substance as a rice cake, & worse, some of those rice cakes have fallen in the cat box. But we dust em off & eat em anyhow. We consume news, or what passes for it, although we are not really starved for it. We mindlessly eat whatever is served to us; social media is the stale bread basket in the chain restaurant of reading.

These delicious little morsels of writing I was sent were rich, sweet, & filling. The writer is an 85 year old friend, & it is my sincere hope that she keeps feeding me these warm, buttery morsels, because I’m pretty sure I need them now. It is my sincere hope that she is writing them down with the aim of sharing them with the world. We could all use some tender loving humour & whimsy.

Meanwhile I’ve written one book about a homicidal narcissistic sociopath, & I’m working on another, which although miles more delightful, also features as a villain a narcissistic sociopath. The second novel is far less bloody, however, & has kind & decent main characters on the whole.

My writing is not so much nourishing as it is bracing, maybe.

I hope that at 85, my wounds have been healed, & I am also able to provide melt-in-your-mouth dearness to my readers. Failing that, I hope my friend publishes so you can behold these wonders.

I am genuinely happy right now.

Sabu, Lord of Encino

I came home from work yesterday & found this on my doorstep. 

Not actually a 3rd world nation, just a weird angle.

One does not typically encounter what looked to be a pure bred Himalayan wandering the streets of Los Angeles, even in the valley. I emailed a cat rescue. They recommended I take him to a vet to be scanned, then they could call the owner of the microchip.
I took a bowl of water down to the beast, as it was 100 F, then made dinner & figured the owner would probably come home soon to find their beloved pet had escaped.

My roommate came home weirdly early for her & told me the cat had now moved up the steps toward the door. “It’s still out there?” “Yes.” I grabbed my keys & went to sit on the steps with the cat while my roommate emailed the HOA, asking if anyone was missing a very expensive cat.

As I sat on the steps, the beast hissed at me, but I gently held my hand toward him anyhow. He immediately rubbed his face on my hand & started purring. He was not mangy or very tangled, & I perceived a collar which meant he did indeed belong to someone. 

Just then, a neighbour I haven’t met pulled up & asked about the cat. “Is he yours?” I asked back. “No, but he is beautiful.” She got the number for her vet & called to see if they would scan the cat’s chip for free. They would. I asked her to watch the kitty while I got my cat carrier. It was now my mission to find this cat’s home.

Soon after I came outside, with my roommate following, I got the cat in the carrier with no fuss at all (bizarre). It was then that the door opened again & a guy popped his head out & said “Yep, that’s the cat.” I asked if this was his cat & he said his wife inherited him from her grandfather who had just died, & “Do you want it? It’s a $500 cat but if you want it you can have it.”

I said, “I’m sorry, did you just say you don’t want your cat?”

“We don’t really know what to do with it.” Then a car showed up & a woman & a small boy got out. I recognized the small boy as our neighbour down the hall.

The woman told me the cat’s name is Sabu, explained the story to me & said they were afraid the cat would scratch their baby (they have a toddler). I explained this was highly unlikely with a pure bred Himalayan, which she confirmed he is. She also fretted that he likes to sit on the couch, which is a sure sign they don’t know cats. “We have papers and everything, & the litter box & food. I can give you all that stuff. He has a lot of brushes, too. My grandfather brushed him every day.”

It didn’t look like he’d been brushed in a little while.

The man then asked the wife “Do you want to keep him now or no?” She said “Let the kid say goodbye” & I asked “You really don’t want the cat?” & my roommate, God bless her, said “We’ll take the cat. Do you have all his paperwork & health record?” And they said they did.

As you know, I’ve not been able to even think about getting a new cat since Persephone (19) & Neil (13, who had a stroke soon after she passed) died last year. But as my roommate pointed out “He found you.” So that was that.

The woman went to her apartment & we carried all Sabu’s stuff down to ours & she promised to get the paperwork to us when she found it. I let her know I was going to acclimate him in our bathroom so he could gradually get used to the house. She admitted they didn’t know a lot about cats. I explained that Himalayans are even stranger because they are not bred to be like “normal” cats. They are gentle, patient, good natured, cuddly, & cannot under any circumstances go outside. 

If abandoning a regular cat is like abandoning an 8 year old child, abandoning a Himalayan is like abandoning a 10 month old. They just want to be cuddled & cannot hunt. Their bodies aren’t even correctly built for hunting, jumping, or escaping. They are built to melt into laps.

Anyhow, she had left & I set up the litter box, food, & water in my bathroom. By now he had wet himself, & I could get a good look at how unkempt he was after a day outside.

Watchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?


He was entirely uninterested in food & water, but oddly for a cat traumatized by two moves in as many weeks,
he wanted to be pet. So I pet him. Then I brushed him, & he wanted to be brushed. Then I gave him a couple treats, which he prefers to eat out of hand.

After a little brush & eye cleaning.


The bathroom does not get air at night, & he seemed to want to explore, so I let him wander into my bedroom after my roommate said goodnight to him & gave him belly rubs. He protested loudly about everything while looking at it, like “I wouldn’t put this here. What’s this for?” And he did go under the bed, but he traversed to the other side & emerged in less than 30 seconds. This was the most chill cat rehoming ever.

He did cry much of the night, though he did jump up on the bed, at one point even hugging my leg, but then would wander around & cry again. I pet him at 2:30, 3:15, 4 something, & then I lost count. I heard him use the litter box. I thanked God.

When I got up to shower, he seemed nearly nonplussed, & when I left the room to make breakfast, he wanted to come with. I didn’t want to do that when I was just leaving for work. He did not seem to want to be left alone.

I tried to leave work early, but that did not quite work out as planned. It didn’t matter; when I got in, he was sleeping peacefully under the bed. I left the door open, made & ate dinner, then came back to his spot under the bed with the bag of treats.

He eagerly followed me out to the living room, but I scooped him up so I could brush him & clean his eyes (Himalayans need a lot of maintenance). I sat him on the ottoman, brushed him down, cleaned his eyes, gave him treats, & let him explore. He wanted to be pet, so I did that first, & then he jumped down.

He was vaguely impressed with the living room, taking a leisurely stroll around the perimeter & returning to the bedroom. I decided to upload some photos, then sweep & mop the bathroom. He was using the litter box! I scooped it & swept, noting that he was finally grooming himself. I mopped & then dumped a basket of clean laundry on the bed to fold & put away.

Sabu immediately emerged from under the bed & inserted himself amongst my small piles to be folded. He rolled around & showed his belly like he’d been mine for years. I finished putting away the laundry & got on the bed with him, rubbing his belly & scratching the fluff around his ears. He purred & I got a toy to play with him, which in typical Himmy fashion bored him in about two minutes. 

So this is what he looks like now…

His paperwork says that his dame is Catzboutique Paper Doll & that his full name is Catzboutique Sabu. He is 9 years old & is basically a naked love Ewok.

The Ants Go Marching TO THEIR DEATHS hoorah

The enemy.


Day 2298 of the War With the Ants continues. I’ve discovered yet another point of ingress & shut it down. This one was a biggy; they won’t be using that crack in the baseboards for a while!

The daunting task of keeping the ants out sometimes seems like a losing battle for the Korean-Anglo alliance, but we fight on valiantly. There are so many more of them than us. The Korean contingent once destroyed several battalions of the bastards coming from above, if you can believe that. They had taken Cabinet Ridge & Refrigerator Valley, but the Korean managed to cut off their supply line & wipe the march off our land with a few Clorox wipes. The Korean is merciless, but effective.

The Anglo force concentrates on scouts. Diplomacy has utterly failed. The ants have been told time & time again that they are welcome to exist in peace, but they are not to enter the Korean Anglo domain. The patio is a demilitarized zone, but it is watched cautiously. The Anglo does not bother the ants on the patio, but she gives them a stern talking to. If she sees even one scout in the domain, she obliterates him. 

Do not pity the ants. They swarm mercilessly & without discernment between food stuffs, leisure furniture, & even sealed items. When there were cats, they even forced them to starve for maybe 30 minutes as they overran their food bowls. The cats protested heartily until the Anglo contingent was lead to the scene of the massacre. Then she performed a massacre of her own in swift retaliation.

This is Sparta.

Hermione Visits Professor McGonagall

For this installment, Hermione is still a girl.

Hermione spends a lot of time wondering what to do with her vast (but scattered) intellect & predilection for helping people, so she has decided that she wants to take advanced courses over the next couple of years. Divination surely has its uses, but Hermione still perceives limits (& recognizes that muggles outright abuse “the noble art of divination,” as Trelawney put it).

Hermione had met with an advisor & was told if she wants to help people in a new way, she should receive that same sort of counseling herself, which of course makes marvelous sense. So Hermione made an appointment with none other than Minerva McGonagall to make sure she is doing all the Absolute Best & Right Things.

McGonagall’s office is in a serene and wooded space with glorious views of the trees. When Hermione arrives, the sun is shining, the air is sweet, & the waiting area is bathed in golden rays.


McGonagalls typically have a stern reputation, but when Hermione meets her, she has kindly eyes & a slow, deliberate, warm way of speaking. Hermione immediately calculates all the ways this could go horribly wrong, & is determined to modulate her tone & speed for this gentle, learned woman.

Girls plan while God howls with laughter.

Once in the office, McGonagall asks what Hermione wishes to accomplish. Hermione launches into a breathless half hour diatribe about her mission in life (helping! Always helping!) with frequent forays into friends at Hogwarts & conundrums as to how to get everything all done right (the first time!) & wouldn’t it be wonderful to just understand immediately What Is Needed of her because surely she is Needed & surely she Isn’t Doing Enough.

McGonagall listens quietly for a while, then says “You have a very active mind, Miss Granger. I wonder if you ever stop it for moment & just listen? To the trees, to your heart, to the words in all the Important Books you read?” Her tone is kind, not mocking.

Hermione makes a face & stares out the window. “Well, I’m always noticing those things & paying attention to them while I’m doing other stuff &…”

“Miss Granger,” says McGonagall, peering with smiling eyes behind her glasses, “it would appear the answer is no.”

Hermione is confused, because Hermione is Always Trying To Do The Right Thing. And apparently Doing The Right Thing sometimes means not doing anything. Anything? Hermione is clearly perplexed by this concept, so McGonagall offers a bit of homework. Hermione understands homework & is very excited to do it well.

“Find 15 minutes in your morning, Miss Granger, to just listen. Not to think, but listen. You may read, but after the reading you must pick a word to meditate upon & notice whatever it is saying to you.”

Hermione is very excited because of course she can do that. But then suddenly Hermione feels like crying.

“15 entire minutes? In a row?” She asks meekly.

“My dear Miss Granger,” says McGonagall, “how do you ever expect to learn if you don’t listen?”

And now Hermione really feels like crying, because although she spends her day listening to other people, she never really gives more than a minute or two of her time to just Listening to…inside.

She confesses to the professor that she feels like crying, so this must be Important.

Professor McGonagall gives Hermione a specific book, chapter, & verses to read & meditate upon (a relief, because Hermione can think about books) & then they arrange to see each other again soon.

Hermione is very fond of Professor McGonagall & wants to make her proud. She is determined to Listen for 15 minutes the very next morning.

The very next morning, Hermione does all the reading quickly, so she can Listen for 15 minutes, but then answers 14 questions from classmates, all before getting out of bed, & Hermione realizes she has failed the assignment.

She will try again tomorrow.

****

There is probably some psychologically damaged reason I have chosen this method to discuss my theological efforts. For now it is sufficient to note that as I am forced to become a student again, my Hermione-ness is showing. And will probably get worse when I enroll in classes. So. Sorry in advance.

Hermione & Himmione & the Marshmallows of Fire

This happens later.


As the absence of Draco completely changes the story, today the part of Girl Harry is played by Hermione, shifting Boy Hermione to Himmione, which is what I may start calling him in real life, too.

(See the beginning if you have no idea what’s going on.)

As Ancient Runes is clearly not enough for Himmione or Hermione, they have, as you’ll recall, taken up Ancient Greek, for fun, which is what people whose names end in -mione do.

Draco was sadly absent from this particular study session, texting Hermione while she was at brunch with her dorm mate that he was having a particularly long oil change. This might have been true, but then this is also a Malfoy, & it could be bollocks. Nevertheless, Hermione texted Himmione that Draco was most likely going to be absent, & they got on with it anyway.

Meeting up at the Three Broomsticks, the children got out their books & translated the riveting tale of the Minotaur. When it’s just the ‘Miones, there are a lot of excited interruptions & pauses over points of interpretation, smoother story telling, idiomatics & grammar. This happens when Draco is there, too, but much less. There are also several side conversations into superior Greek grammars & anecdotes about professors. This is all a kind way of saying that Hermione & Himmione are more colloquially described as nerds.

The ‘Miones also have zero qualms about correcting each other without the niceties people expect, which is refreshing & expedient, even when HERmione has cramps & wants to stab all men (& did jokingly threaten HIMmione, once. Maybe twice).

Even with all this exhuberant nitpicking, the ‘Miones are through the story of Theseus & the Minotaur in slightly over an hour, giving them around 3 hours before Ancient Runes begin. Both of them cannot be arsed to drive home & back, being so close to Hogwarts, so they decide to park at the school & walk to a new cafe. Hermione has brought a book to read (just in case) & Himmione already has a backpack filled with everything he is working on at any given time. Down the bloody great hill they go.

The cafe does not actually open until Wednesday. The ‘Miones attempt to figure out where to take themselves, when Himmione gets the grand idea to walk back up to the school & see if they can study/read there. Hermione notes that he is kindly walking a little slower this time, so even though she is wearing a bit of a heel, it’s much easier to go back up the hill than last week.

As Liquid Luck would have it, Aberforth is emerging from the great hall right as the ‘Miones approach (pro-SKO-roo-seen). He lets them in because the ‘Miones are inherently trustworthy, & they have sweet, innocent little angelic faces. Felix Felicitas was working overtime because there were also tables & chairs set up. Hermione always picks the most defensible seat (back to a corner, facing the door…part of her Harry personality) & Himmione sits across from her. They work in silence for nearly a couple hours, interrupted only once when Hermione hears noises near the kitchen & goes to check it out, totally prepared to Stupify someone.

She sees Neville! She opens the door & calls out “Neville! Hi!” He is surprised to see her poking her head out the locked great hall, & then Luna emerges from the Even Greater Hall. Everyone is surprised to see each other. Neville & Luna were picking their wedding hymns with Professor Flitwick, & Hermione explained that she & Himmione were just killing time between Ancient Greek & Ancient Runes.

Luna & Neville & Hermione are going to the same party later, but Luna & Neville are not going to Ancient Runes, so they all say “See ya later!” & Hermione gets back to her book.

Around 4, Hermione has to go pick up a great deal of cheese for Profressor Flitwick’s reception, & Himmione has to pick up an older wizard, so they part company & go to their errands. Cheese acquired, Hermione returns to the Hogwarts kitchen with Seamus & Flitwick & begins poorly slicing up cheese while Seamus creates a hostile working environment.

Soon Ancient Runes begins. Hermione is joined by another of her friends & Himmione arrives with the older wizard, who was splinched & needs to be driven. The class is wonderful as always, accompanied by male singers with beautiful voices, & mostly everyone goes into the great hall for cheese & wine.

Himmione, who is also going to the party later that evening, takes off to rest first. Hermione, who is not quite as practical, remains in the great hall but gets to talk a great deal about books & art & film with her friend Fleur (& her Bill). After they leave, Hermione finds herself chatting with Professor Trelawney, which is ok, & Ernie MacMillan, which was decidedly better. Realizing she was now late to the party, Hermione jumps up, washes a couple of glasses, & disapparates.

She arrives in a part of town she’s never been, & rings the doorbell. No one comes. So she walks around the side of the house, which sets off a protego charm & she is nearly blinded. This prompts her host to tell her to just walk in the front door, which she does, & is greeted by the birthday girl, whom she hands a small present.

She then goes round the back outside where young wizards from other schools are playing a more sanitary version of beer pong. She makes friends with a couple girls, one of whom knows her younger sister’s high school drama teacher, which shows how small the wizarding world is.

A tall blonde girl at the beer pong table hears Hermione say that she’s from Hogwarts, & she asks if she knows Himmione. She says she does, & that he should be along shortly. This pleases the blonde girl. Hermione also remarks that Himmione will probably take the exact same course of action to get into the party that she did, as they are both excessively polite. And that is exactly what happens.

Himmione actually knew more of the people at the party than Hermione did, so he was catching up with his friends while Hermione made new ones (men…de Hermione observes in Greek). Hermione was mostly discussing witchcraft & space exploration with her new acquaintances until she & the tall blonde got very excited when Dean said they could light a fire & roast marshmallows.

A group of girls formed around the fire, & the blonde girl demonstrated a fantastic marshmallow roasting technique that Hermione enjoyed greatly. Eventually Luna & Neville turned up, & they sat with Hermione & talked about sci-fi & music & church & how this is pretty much all they ever do at every party until way past midnight. Himmione had escaped way before that.

Hermione did not have one drop of alcohol the entire evening, proving once & for all that it is Draco that is the bad influence on her, & not the other way around.

IN YOUR FACE, HIMMIONE.*

*this is kind of how Greek goes, too. Well, internally.

Harry, Hermione, & Draco Have a Very Long Day

I have a long blogging tradition of giving aliases to friends, but I will now take it one step further & explain this sort of bizarre friendship I have in the context of Harry Potter characters. 
The rules of this exercise:

1. Harry is a girl.

2. Hermione is a boy.

3. Draco is an only slightly evil Armenian.

You will have to figure out what everyone & everything else is based on those rules alone, & your vast, obsessive knowledge of J.K. Rowling’s books, which is no doubt greater than mine. It would also help to know a little bit about LA, but it’s not necessary.

This is the first story:

Harry arrived at Hogwarts far too early for Ancient Greek study, delighted to see Hermione’s car in the car park, as it was hot & she wanted to get a move on. She then received a text from Draco, who was running 3 minutes behind. And Hermione was not in his car.

Harry was hauling a good deal of cheese in her enchanted bag. It was going to melt, & the later music concert reception would be in ruin. She made haste to the Hogwarts kitchen only to find it locked. She cast about for other wizards with keys, but there were none to be found. With a bit of a huff, Harry turned & trudged up the bloody forsaken hill to the car park when she spied Hermione, also trudging up the hill hauling a giant backpack full of books.

“There you are!” said Harry cheerily. “The kitchen is locked so I’m putting all this reception food back in the car.”

Hermione made a face. “Shouldn’t it be refrigerated?”

Harry shrugged, walking up the bloody great hill with Hermione. “I have an enchanted bag. It should be ok if I shove it in the shade.”

Hermione seemed satisfied with that so Harry added “Draco texted & is going to be three minutes late.”

If Hermione had long unruly hair, he might have tossed it, but instead he set his backpack full of books down & stood in the shade. “Oh well. What’s all that noise?”

Harry’s phone was in her pocket, pinging. “That’s Seamus. He’s in Ancient Runes but he’s texting me about something Lavender did in the virtual great hall.”

Hermione never rolls his eyes, but he makes an expression Harry has come to read as eye rolling. “Well, Lavender is…Lavender.”

Harry continued in a rush. “Now Seamus is telling me Lavender is thinking of taking History of Magic Next year.”

“Oh dear. Poor Dumbledore.”

“I know, right? And poor Aberforth. Anyhow I can’t believe Seamus is texting from Runes!”

“Well, it’s Seamus.”

“We should pray for Aberforth.”

Hermione hestitated, then was distracted by a muggle contraption called an aeroplane, soaring across the sky above them. He came back to earth with “Let’s think of people who should take History of Magic next year.”

Harry immediately suggested a nice Hufflepuff she knew, & Hermione thought of a few, too. Then it was exactly Three Minutes Late, & Hermione looked up to see if Draco’s luxury vehicle had arrived. It had not. Harry was pretty sure Hermione kept his time turner, but he obviously wasn’t allowed to use it on Draco.

Draco arrived exactly Five Minutes Late, which was good enough for Harry & Hermione, & they sped off to Hogsmede to study Ancient Greek together. The boys were talking about whatever while Harry, who had lost some of her hearing in a horrific Sonorus charm accident, struggled to keep up, as the boys are both quite long-shanked.

They reached the Hog’s Head & grabbed an outside table. Despite having a remarkably large amount of Greek to translate, the “children” sped through quite well, though Draco had not prepared half of it, which is not really his fault as he has two jobs. Also Harry & Hermione are probably quite insane, & get really excited about arguments of grammar & pronunciation. While they politely quibble over whether something is said “loo-OH-so” or “loo-oh-SUH”, Draco is generally envisioning the smart uniforms he will bequeath the elite soldiers of his imagined future dictatorship.

The children realize they are going to be late for the period concert if they don’t leave for Hogwarts soon. And they must be there on time, as Draco (a patron of the arts) has promised Professor Flitwick (who is probably elven in this version, but Tolkien-elven, not tiny elven) to usher. Hermione, who must excel & assist in all things, decides he wants to usher, too. So now poor Harry, who lived under a cupboard for ten years & has terrible cramps to this day, is expected to hurry up The Bloody Great Hill to get back to Hogwarts on time.

So Harry casts a summoning charm on the server, & he brings the check with speed (Hermione probably could have done it better, but he doesn’t like to waste magic on mundane tasks). Draco over tips because the waiter is hot or something, & Harry imagines they shall now proceed with all haste to Hogwarts.

No, the boys are now discussing another aeroplane, which might be a 747 or something bigger, & Harry notes with Rowling-Hermionesque annoyance that they are now ambling, not speudo-ing (as she has come to imagine it in Greek), toward Hogwarts. Look, Harry loves planes as much as the next girl, but the enchanted bag will only keep the cheese cool for so long.

Harry takes the lead & listens to the boys speculate as to this airplane’s make & model, & then Navy vs. Airforce stories, as they turn up the bloody great hill. The boys take the lead while Harry scurries along on her cramped stumpy girl legs. Finally they make it back to their vehicles, & Draco dons a smart tie while Harry & Hermione get out sweaters, because knits always make jeans seem more formal. Also it is 4000 degrees Farenheit out, but as previously discussed, Harry & Hermione are probably insane.

Harry also gets out the bag of cheese, & a bag of soda & wine, & waits for Draco to get his bags of cookies. Hermione is about half way toward the school when he realizes his friends are heavily laden, then turns back. Draco waves off Hermione, then takes a bag from Harry & helps her to the kitchen (now unlocked).

Harry & Draco add their goodies to the pile on the prep table, then proceed toward (pros-KO-roo-sin, Harry notes internally) the concert. Seamus is already taking donations, as Hogwarts concerts are “free” to the public, but cost Hogwarts money. So donations help. Hermione & Draco are already in ushering mode, so Harry goes & takes a seat, inviting The New Girl (name TBD) to sit with her. The New Girl turns out to be a slightly awkward music nerd, too, so Harry is happy.

 

The Even Greater Hall at Christmas

 
The concert (17th & 18th century pieces in Italian & French with period instruments) was wonderful, & everyone filed into the Non-Virtual Great Hall to drink wine & eat Mostly Not Melted cheese. Harry, being gregarious when she can muster it, & also tired, notes that New Girl & New Girl’s Friend are trying to balance drinks & plates of cookies while talking, & suggests everyone commandeers a table. 

The table is a circle with Draco, Harry, New Girl, New Girl’s Friend,  Arabella Figg, Mr. Figg (one assumes), & Hermione. Harry & Draco get up to their usual mischief, causing Hermione to abandon his conversation with Mr. Figg & remark that Harry is actually a terrible influence on Draco, who is well mannered & beautifully behaved when it’s just him & Draco. Harry protests that Draco is just as terrible around Neville, but Draco insists that he & Neville are quietly impish together & Harry realizes to her chagrin that Neville is also somewhat more loudly terrible in her presence, too. Harry then concludes with some satisfaction that she is merely an amplifier of people’s proclivites, & not a cause. Hermione doesn’t not roll his eyes.

It is at this time, I think, that Harry heads over to Seamus for her first glass of wine.

Seamus is a heavy pourer.

At some point during Harry’s first glass of wine, New Girl’s Friend disappears, leaving an open seat, & Harry & Draco start giggling about something–probably boys. Harry notes that Lavender has cornered the violinist. They then cross the room together in great haste (spay-OO-dough-seen, Harry thinks). Harry turns to Draco & says “That’s the gait of a couple about to have it off in the girls’ lav.” 

“Myrtle’s not the only thing that’ll be moaning,” laughs Draco.

Hermione is not amused. “Someone should rescue the violinist,” he remarks with concern. Harry says, “Draco, I suddenly need more wine.”

The two proceed with haste to the wine table. Harry asks Seamus for more wine, then says to Lavender & the violinist “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but that was bloody brilliant. You are a fantastic musician! Oh, hi, Lavender.”

Now Harry is annoyed that Seamus is holding the bottle over her glass, but not pouring, as Seamus is now talking to Filch. Draco engages Lavender & Seamus finally pours the wine (PO-loos, Harry notes).

Harry returns with her second glass of wine & Draco returns with Lavender, who engages in a lively conversation with Mrs. Figg. This frees the children to talk with New Girl. Harry & New Girl gang up on Hermione, teasing him that they are going to get him drunk one day, to which he is rationally opposed. “I hardly see the appeal in losing my mental acuity,” sniffs Hermione.

“It’s fun,” says New Girl.

“You’ll be happier,” says Harry. “Being in control all the time isn’t always brilliant.”

“You’ve had too much wine,” says Draco, laughing.

New Girl tells the children about a drinking game involving difficult pieces of music. Hermione now remembers a drinking game involving mathematics. Nobody is surprised. Harry wished Harry could remember what Harry said, but everyone told her to limit herself to one glass of wine from now on. She does remember that. Everyone except New Girl, who is now Harry’s favourite person ever.

“Doesn’t she look like Felicia Day?” Harry asks the table. Everyone nods wearily, except New Girl, who is delighted. “You’re so pretty,” Harry says. Harry is probably drunk. 

Harry now switches to water.

Lavender leaves for a voodoo ceremony & Aberforth pulls up a chair between Hermione & Draco. Harry is pretty sure Aberforth implied she was a whore, but Aberforth is wise. Seamus then pulls up a chair between Aberforth & Draco & tells us about the time he put on his mother’s heels & sang Patti LaBelle. Harry roars with laughter. Harry & New Girl talk about 80s music, & then New Girl has to leave, as she has a long day before her. 

Harry drinks more water. 

Filch has started cleaning up, so Harry, Draco, & Seamus start to help. The Figgs leave, & Harry catches Hermione making one of his great escapes. Hermione is sensible & has a lot of homework to do, even with a time turner, so Harry wishes him well & goes back to throwing out paper plates. Seamus isn’t helping so much as looking up Patti LaBelle videos on his phone.

Filch has already washed all the wine glasses, thwarting Harry & Luna Lovegood’s tradition of talking about boys & Jesus & breaking glasses, but Luna is gone so it’s just as well. It turns out Lavender was still there & wanted to help, but everyone had done everything, so she left.

Flitwick joined Harry, Draco, Seamus, Filch, & Aberforth in the kitchen to wrap cookies & put them away, but then everyone stood around laughing & doing impersonations & sweating (it was hot). Flitwick suggested they all go outside, & Aberforth retired to his lair.

Harry, Flitwick, Draco, Seamus, & Filch kept saying they all had to leave, but no one did. Well, Filch eventually did, but Draco, Seamus, Flitwick & Harry stood around debating whether they should go to one of those magical faerie dances in the Forest (Flitwick kept going “untz untz untz”).  Nobody went. They all felt too tired.

Harry got home around midnight & texted revelations with Draco until like 1:30. Then Harry finally crashed.

****

I have decided to call this style of writing “allegorical fic”. Or “hypothetical fic”. I’m not sure. Either way, it’s for nerds.

UPDATE: I had made a grave error in assigning any character other than Aberforth Dumbledore to the person I previously implied was Albus Dumbledore. I have since rectified this error.

Arthur

 

Arthur, probably.

 
Arthur told me he likes reading things I write about him & that I should write more about him, so here is a post entirely about Arthur.

Arthur (not his real name, but it’s close) is a guy who’s been going to our church for about a year. He seems innocuous at first, just a polite guy in a suit & tie, but soon you realize he is basically the personification of evil. 

Don’t let that alarm you, though. Arthur is pretty spectacular. He laughs at all my jokes. He also agrees with nearly everything I say. Already you can tell he is one of the best people ever, despite being the personification of evil.

He is the dark yin to my yang. He is Palpatine to my Yoda, Saruman to my Galadriel, YoSafBridge to my Inara. One time myself, Christopher, & Arthur were in the church kitchen eating ice cream Arthur made for us & I thought, “Here we are: Harry, Hermione, & Draco.”

Arthur is also my sham husband & as such, is very encouraging. He has yet to say a disparaging word to me, about me. He has said a number of disparaging words to me about nearly everything else ever. In that respect, he is maybe Edina to my Patsy?

I am fairly certain Arthur & my boyfriend are going to get along beautifully when they meet next week. They both hate the same stuff & revere the same concepts. The difference is that Arthur might use fascism to achieve his aims, where my boyfriend is more of an anarchist. 

We are going to open a religiously themed Snuggie business together. We also offer to plaster entertaining banter on your Facebook wall for a small fee. Our text conversations are legendary.

Arthur is a trained pastry chef and an accountant. I would not be surprised to learn he played the lute weekly at a retirement home. He works harder than any of us. Evil never sleeps.

I do, though, so I will have to write more on Arthur after Easter, maybe. Meanwhile, enjoy Arthur’s theme.