I have a long blogging tradition of giving aliases to friends, but I will now take it one step further & explain this sort of bizarre friendship I have in the context of Harry Potter characters.
The rules of this exercise:
1. Harry is a girl.
2. Hermione is a boy.
3. Draco is an only slightly evil Armenian.
You will have to figure out what everyone & everything else is based on those rules alone, & your vast, obsessive knowledge of J.K. Rowling’s books, which is no doubt greater than mine. It would also help to know a little bit about LA, but it’s not necessary.
This is the first story:
Harry arrived at Hogwarts far too early for Ancient Greek study, delighted to see Hermione’s car in the car park, as it was hot & she wanted to get a move on. She then received a text from Draco, who was running 3 minutes behind. And Hermione was not in his car.
Harry was hauling a good deal of cheese in her enchanted bag. It was going to melt, & the later music concert reception would be in ruin. She made haste to the Hogwarts kitchen only to find it locked. She cast about for other wizards with keys, but there were none to be found. With a bit of a huff, Harry turned & trudged up the bloody forsaken hill to the car park when she spied Hermione, also trudging up the hill hauling a giant backpack full of books.
“There you are!” said Harry cheerily. “The kitchen is locked so I’m putting all this reception food back in the car.”
Hermione made a face. “Shouldn’t it be refrigerated?”
Harry shrugged, walking up the bloody great hill with Hermione. “I have an enchanted bag. It should be ok if I shove it in the shade.”
Hermione seemed satisfied with that so Harry added “Draco texted & is going to be three minutes late.”
If Hermione had long unruly hair, he might have tossed it, but instead he set his backpack full of books down & stood in the shade. “Oh well. What’s all that noise?”
Harry’s phone was in her pocket, pinging. “That’s Seamus. He’s in Ancient Runes but he’s texting me about something Lavender did in the virtual great hall.”
Hermione never rolls his eyes, but he makes an expression Harry has come to read as eye rolling. “Well, Lavender is…Lavender.”
Harry continued in a rush. “Now Seamus is telling me Lavender is thinking of taking History of Magic Next year.”
“Oh dear. Poor Dumbledore.”
“I know, right? And poor Aberforth. Anyhow I can’t believe Seamus is texting from Runes!”
“Well, it’s Seamus.”
“We should pray for Aberforth.”
Hermione hestitated, then was distracted by a muggle contraption called an aeroplane, soaring across the sky above them. He came back to earth with “Let’s think of people who should take History of Magic next year.”
Harry immediately suggested a nice Hufflepuff she knew, & Hermione thought of a few, too. Then it was exactly Three Minutes Late, & Hermione looked up to see if Draco’s luxury vehicle had arrived. It had not. Harry was pretty sure Hermione kept his time turner, but he obviously wasn’t allowed to use it on Draco.
Draco arrived exactly Five Minutes Late, which was good enough for Harry & Hermione, & they sped off to Hogsmede to study Ancient Greek together. The boys were talking about whatever while Harry, who had lost some of her hearing in a horrific Sonorus charm accident, struggled to keep up, as the boys are both quite long-shanked.
They reached the Hog’s Head & grabbed an outside table. Despite having a remarkably large amount of Greek to translate, the “children” sped through quite well, though Draco had not prepared half of it, which is not really his fault as he has two jobs. Also Harry & Hermione are probably quite insane, & get really excited about arguments of grammar & pronunciation. While they politely quibble over whether something is said “loo-OH-so” or “loo-oh-SUH”, Draco is generally envisioning the smart uniforms he will bequeath the elite soldiers of his imagined future dictatorship.
The children realize they are going to be late for the period concert if they don’t leave for Hogwarts soon. And they must be there on time, as Draco (a patron of the arts) has promised Professor Flitwick (who is probably elven in this version, but Tolkien-elven, not tiny elven) to usher. Hermione, who must excel & assist in all things, decides he wants to usher, too. So now poor Harry, who lived under a cupboard for ten years & has terrible cramps to this day, is expected to hurry up The Bloody Great Hill to get back to Hogwarts on time.
So Harry casts a summoning charm on the server, & he brings the check with speed (Hermione probably could have done it better, but he doesn’t like to waste magic on mundane tasks). Draco over tips because the waiter is hot or something, & Harry imagines they shall now proceed with all haste to Hogwarts.
No, the boys are now discussing another aeroplane, which might be a 747 or something bigger, & Harry notes with Rowling-Hermionesque annoyance that they are now ambling, not speudo-ing (as she has come to imagine it in Greek), toward Hogwarts. Look, Harry loves planes as much as the next girl, but the enchanted bag will only keep the cheese cool for so long.
Harry takes the lead & listens to the boys speculate as to this airplane’s make & model, & then Navy vs. Airforce stories, as they turn up the bloody great hill. The boys take the lead while Harry scurries along on her cramped stumpy girl legs. Finally they make it back to their vehicles, & Draco dons a smart tie while Harry & Hermione get out sweaters, because knits always make jeans seem more formal. Also it is 4000 degrees Farenheit out, but as previously discussed, Harry & Hermione are probably insane.
Harry also gets out the bag of cheese, & a bag of soda & wine, & waits for Draco to get his bags of cookies. Hermione is about half way toward the school when he realizes his friends are heavily laden, then turns back. Draco waves off Hermione, then takes a bag from Harry & helps her to the kitchen (now unlocked).
Harry & Draco add their goodies to the pile on the prep table, then proceed toward (pros-KO-roo-sin, Harry notes internally) the concert. Seamus is already taking donations, as Hogwarts concerts are “free” to the public, but cost Hogwarts money. So donations help. Hermione & Draco are already in ushering mode, so Harry goes & takes a seat, inviting The New Girl (name TBD) to sit with her. The New Girl turns out to be a slightly awkward music nerd, too, so Harry is happy.
The Even Greater Hall at Christmas
The concert (17th & 18th century pieces in Italian & French with period instruments) was wonderful, & everyone filed into the Non-Virtual Great Hall to drink wine & eat Mostly Not Melted cheese. Harry, being gregarious when she can muster it, & also tired, notes that New Girl & New Girl’s Friend are trying to balance drinks & plates of cookies while talking, & suggests everyone commandeers a table.
The table is a circle with Draco, Harry, New Girl, New Girl’s Friend, Arabella Figg, Mr. Figg (one assumes), & Hermione. Harry & Draco get up to their usual mischief, causing Hermione to abandon his conversation with Mr. Figg & remark that Harry is actually a terrible influence on Draco, who is well mannered & beautifully behaved when it’s just him & Draco. Harry protests that Draco is just as terrible around Neville, but Draco insists that he & Neville are quietly impish together & Harry realizes to her chagrin that Neville is also somewhat more loudly terrible in her presence, too. Harry then concludes with some satisfaction that she is merely an amplifier of people’s proclivites, & not a cause. Hermione doesn’t not roll his eyes.
It is at this time, I think, that Harry heads over to Seamus for her first glass of wine.
Seamus is a heavy pourer.
At some point during Harry’s first glass of wine, New Girl’s Friend disappears, leaving an open seat, & Harry & Draco start giggling about something–probably boys. Harry notes that Lavender has cornered the violinist. They then cross the room together in great haste (spay-OO-dough-seen, Harry thinks). Harry turns to Draco & says “That’s the gait of a couple about to have it off in the girls’ lav.”
“Myrtle’s not the only thing that’ll be moaning,” laughs Draco.
Hermione is not amused. “Someone should rescue the violinist,” he remarks with concern. Harry says, “Draco, I suddenly need more wine.”
The two proceed with haste to the wine table. Harry asks Seamus for more wine, then says to Lavender & the violinist “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but that was bloody brilliant. You are a fantastic musician! Oh, hi, Lavender.”
Now Harry is annoyed that Seamus is holding the bottle over her glass, but not pouring, as Seamus is now talking to Filch. Draco engages Lavender & Seamus finally pours the wine (PO-loos, Harry notes).
Harry returns with her second glass of wine & Draco returns with Lavender, who engages in a lively conversation with Mrs. Figg. This frees the children to talk with New Girl. Harry & New Girl gang up on Hermione, teasing him that they are going to get him drunk one day, to which he is rationally opposed. “I hardly see the appeal in losing my mental acuity,” sniffs Hermione.
“It’s fun,” says New Girl.
“You’ll be happier,” says Harry. “Being in control all the time isn’t always brilliant.”
“You’ve had too much wine,” says Draco, laughing.
New Girl tells the children about a drinking game involving difficult pieces of music. Hermione now remembers a drinking game involving mathematics. Nobody is surprised. Harry wished Harry could remember what Harry said, but everyone told her to limit herself to one glass of wine from now on. She does remember that. Everyone except New Girl, who is now Harry’s favourite person ever.
“Doesn’t she look like Felicia Day?” Harry asks the table. Everyone nods wearily, except New Girl, who is delighted. “You’re so pretty,” Harry says. Harry is probably drunk.
Harry now switches to water.
Lavender leaves for a voodoo ceremony & Aberforth pulls up a chair between Hermione & Draco. Harry is pretty sure Aberforth implied she was a whore, but Aberforth is wise. Seamus then pulls up a chair between Aberforth & Draco & tells us about the time he put on his mother’s heels & sang Patti LaBelle. Harry roars with laughter. Harry & New Girl talk about 80s music, & then New Girl has to leave, as she has a long day before her.
Harry drinks more water.
Filch has started cleaning up, so Harry, Draco, & Seamus start to help. The Figgs leave, & Harry catches Hermione making one of his great escapes. Hermione is sensible & has a lot of homework to do, even with a time turner, so Harry wishes him well & goes back to throwing out paper plates. Seamus isn’t helping so much as looking up Patti LaBelle videos on his phone.
Filch has already washed all the wine glasses, thwarting Harry & Luna Lovegood’s tradition of talking about boys & Jesus & breaking glasses, but Luna is gone so it’s just as well. It turns out Lavender was still there & wanted to help, but everyone had done everything, so she left.
Flitwick joined Harry, Draco, Seamus, Filch, & Aberforth in the kitchen to wrap cookies & put them away, but then everyone stood around laughing & doing impersonations & sweating (it was hot). Flitwick suggested they all go outside, & Aberforth retired to his lair.
Harry, Flitwick, Draco, Seamus, & Filch kept saying they all had to leave, but no one did. Well, Filch eventually did, but Draco, Seamus, Flitwick & Harry stood around debating whether they should go to one of those magical faerie dances in the Forest (Flitwick kept going “untz untz untz”). Nobody went. They all felt too tired.
Harry got home around midnight & texted revelations with Draco until like 1:30. Then Harry finally crashed.
I have decided to call this style of writing “allegorical fic”. Or “hypothetical fic”. I’m not sure. Either way, it’s for nerds.
UPDATE: I had made a grave error in assigning any character other than Aberforth Dumbledore to the person I previously implied was Albus Dumbledore. I have since rectified this error.