Ewoks: Murderers & Fascist Sympathizers


The following argument was developed over the course of the last 20 hours or so via frank discussion & a smattering of research (cos for real most Star Wars viewers are not aware of the expanded universe. C’mon, people; don’t kid yourselves.)

It’s a well known fact that Ewoks are murder bears. I’ll not dispute that point, as it is documented fact, & I will use this fact to advance the argument that Ewoks were Imperial sympathizers. SILENCE = COMPLICITY.

However, if you are under 30 years old & remember Ewoks as adorable little borderline-racist teddy bears, let me refresh your memory, as you have chosen to remember Wickett encountering Leia. It never occurred to you that he was alone & could not subdue & eat her by himself, did it?

But what happened when Luke, Han, C3PO, R2D2, & Chewie were ensnared by their meat trap? They were treated as meat! Not until Luke & C3PO managed to convince them with Force Deityimpersonation did they let them go. Leia couldn’t convince them cos they were just fattening her up for dessert.

So we have established that Ewoks are murder bears for those whose childhoods were steeped in marketing & self deception.

For the rest of us whose childhoods were unending introductions to the cold reality of the miseries of the universe, it becomes immediately evident that Ewoks were not only murder bears, but they were Imperial sympathizers. Murder is one thing, but allowing a fascist organization to establish a base on your forest moon in order to rebuild a planet-destroying murder satellite that is oppressing an entire galaxy is beyond the pale.

Let us assume the following things are true:

1. Ewoks are sentient (they have language, religion, a social structure).
2. Ewoks have been approached by Imperial protocol droids before. They might have even been deceived by Imperial protocol droids into believing they are god figures, paving the way for their perception of Threepio.
3. Ewoks normally eat offworlders (see above).

I just realized that by setting up the scenario wherein Ewoks encountered Imperial protocol droids, I made room for the argument that the Empire lied to Ewoks, telling them the shield generator was some kind of mystic portal to the teddy bears’ picnic, & that’s why they never attacked it & ate the tasty beings within until Threepio droidsplained.

Ok, never mind, maybe the Ewoks are just intellectually non-curious dumbasses/murderers & not fascist sympathizers.

But if we take out assumption 2 (that murderbears had encountered Imperial protocol droids) then why did they allow the Empire to build a base replete with landing pads on their home world? What is that shit? If Jerry Brown landed a helicopter on our patio, crushing our lemon tree, & started building a bunker I’d be all “Are you fucking serious right now? Get out my goddamned land!”

Then he’d be all “Oh, we are building a government thing here. We sent a letter.”

I’d go through my mail. “The hell you did.”

“Oh, it must have come in today’s mail. Go check.”

“This is today’s mail. Also why would you give like a day’s notice for this kind of thing? This is a hostile takeover! Kkhkhh…argh…glorp…” because at this point Jerry Brown has force choked me to death.

Then my roommate, a lawyer, comes home & finds my force choked lifeless form on the balcony & Jerry Brown with a crew of helmeted lackeys digging up our patio. She begins to cite California property law but then Obama shows up & fries her with force lightning. We’re just 2 people.

But there were tons of Ewoks. Where is their intellectual curiosity? Surely somebody approaches a Bike Trooper having a wee in the forest & says “Chub chub” or some shit & is then shot, prompting other Ewoks to investigate? No? Murder bears don’t give a shit about fascism?

First they came for the Rebels, & the Ewoks were silent…

Man, fuck Ewoks.

Star Wars nerds lodging earnest complaints below will be ignored & probably mocked. Just FYI. Also I have Force Tickle at a distance of 100k kilometres.


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6 thoughts on “Ewoks: Murderers & Fascist Sympathizers

  1. Kevin Cox says:

    As a Star Wars geek, I should be very upset that you have taken one of the most beloved characters in the Star Wars universe – harmless little fur balls that they are – and boiled them down to their essence! Heretic! However, on my reality side, I think that this is the funniest, clearest, most insightful thing I’ve read in years! Oh, the wrath you are about to receive from die-hard fans, as you pound them relentlessly with your logic and facts. It will be as if all of the Dark Side forces will now “Force lightning” your cute little fingers for writing such heresy! All of these “Darth” wannabes must now call a Council Of War to decide your fate, my dear. But fear not, for we on the side of “we-get-this-it’s-all-fake” land have your back, M’lady! Your friend in Fibromyalgia, Kevin.

  2. SenatorMark4 says:

    I never even thought about your points before. If it’s cute, it can be evil and not noticed! I need some work done, obviously, because saying simple things like “budget to succeed” makes me a racist. I’m starting to understand the universe finally.

    Thank you

  3. Arcturiss says:

    Although I do not agree with your premise, nor the means by which you arrive at your conclusion, I do empathize with your dislike and distaste for the Ewoks. I have long argued that the Empire should have cleared the forests, burned the trees, deployed agent orange if necessary, to rid the movie, prior to the arrival of the Jedi, of the land of teddy bears. Then we would not have to have concerned ourselves with the Hasbro toy sales episode, and kept to the real battle, without the need for the sappy hard fought tears that inevitably came when a huggy bear was shot with a blaster, and then hugged by his family. Death to the Ewoks! 😉

  4. Fascist Murderbear says:

    Let us have Han Solo’s corpse between our teeth, a rock in our hands and infinite cuteness in our hearts. Sieg Heill! o/

  5. […] hand, George Lucas is squarely to blame for the Ewoks. I know we did tread new ground here, but the Princess of Swords’ blog post about the murder-bears really did entertain the heck out of me. Tania stepped right up and took us to the very heart of […]

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