The New Loudmouths

I have a theory that will annoy & offend a good deal of you, & that’s fine, because theories are meant to be tested. But I have observed something over the past few years with tremendous consistency, & I am confident I will be proven right by one of the behavioural sciences within the next ten years.

The new extroverts are all the people sitting at home, binge watching television, & posting angry crap online from their phones. They never leave the house, but they make pronouncements & yell at hundreds of people they don’t even know every. damn. day.

The new introverts are the people who have pretty much sworn off social media & go outside the house a couple few times a week to go be with actual people face to face.

“Now you wait a minute here, jerk,” says you from your couch, on your phone, binge watching Game of Thrones (whole posting criticism of people who have never seen it). “I am a delicate flower who cannot be around too much People Energy. Hence, I am an introvert. I express myself online because it’s hard in person.”

Oh pish tosh. The only difference between pronouncing to a Facebook group of 10,000 women that you hate someone’s wedding dress & standing in front of 10,000 people pointing at a bride & saying “I hate her dress” is that nobody can throw Jordan almonds at you online. You can just block people whose criticisms & opinions annoy you.

That’s not introversion. That’s cowardice.

Imagine having to say to that girl in person, “I hate your dress. It’s stupid. You’re stupid. You should have the designer shot, except I hate guns.”

I used to find the wedding bashing groups amusing, for about a month. Sometimes they were funny, & sometimes there were fun facts about different cultures. But what I realized fairly quickly was that when thousands of women who have been locked behind their phones nearly their whole lives encounter novelty, they go for the kill. This includes ideas they’ve never thought of, people they’ve never encountered, & things they’ve never seen.

And if those new (to them) people explain their ideas or customs, they get reamed by hundreds of mean spirited little delicate flowers behind their phones.

What is “introverted” about having a strident, uninformed opinion that you yell without hearing any discussion? You may as well head on downtown & start screaming random obscenities at passers by like some of the homeless people. That’s exactly what you sound like.

Conversely, my friends who avoid social media like the plague, text infrequently, & attend a number of conferences & events come across like introverts in this new weird society. When they sit down to talk to friends, they don’t whip out the latest angry clickbait diatribe. They don’t (usually) talk about things that happened on tv (though they may recommend a show).

They give a lot of speeches or they themselves perform, but they talk with and listen to a select few people. They don’t value the opinion of talking heads on cable news, they think the Internet is filled with half-assed infotainment, & they have clear boundaries when it’s time to go home & rest. Does that sound extroverted by your own definition? Probably not.

They focus on their families & their friends…not their followers. As a reformed Twitter addict, I get it. I definitely made some good friends via Twitter, but it is impossible to receive the same soul-gratifying satisfaction of real human connection from interacting with thousands of people every day. Every statement is a performance. It’s like you’re doing a bit all the time, which is why it’s a fantastic platform for comedians.

I don’t want to be “doing a bit” all the time. I want to love & be loved by my own precious, carefully curated circle of trusted, beloved people.

That makes me sound introverted, but I’m constantly accused of being a high energy extrovert. Y’all should see my ass in the morning, struggling for hours to get the energy to “do the world.” But once I have it, I like to be in it, Doing the Things.

When you’re out in the world, your concerns are merely whoever’s in front of you. Your focus is on another set of eyes.

Turn off your notifications & go do things with people. Sit across from someone who might even disagree with you, & you’ll have to solve it civilly rather than uSinG ThIs sUpEr iRriTatiNg tRoPe. Imagine treating people with respect, rather than opening an app & revving yourself up with self righteousness.

Disconnect from the Collective. Resistance is not futile. You’re not always right. Your selfies are never ugly & you know that or you wouldn’t post them. I’m talking to millions of women right now. Millions.

Go. be. pretty. in. person. You can’t delete that later. Idk.


Because I’m barely on social anymore, you’ll just have to learn about my books here in paperback & Kindle formats.

Female + Twitter = Dodgy DMs

I’ve not done any investigative reporting for Pundit League or any other site in re: WeinerGate for one simple reason:

I’m a girl. I’ve been on Twitter over two years. I know exactly what happened.

If you are female & on Twitter & follow back at least 3 men, you have received a naughty DM whether you provoked it or not. I follow back over 900 people, so do the math. The reason I do not follow back all 1948 people who follow me is because, at some point in the past year, I learned that some people are freaking psychopaths. Folk have to earn my trust now before I allow them to DM me. It’s a sad & simple fact.

Of the 900+ I continue to follow back, I’ve received some very, very naughty DMs. Some were harmless joke flirting from friends who know my sense of humor like the inside of their own right palm. Some were drunken mistakes that I forgave (or continue to forgive). Some were over the top and pretty vile, & those folks got unfollowed or blocked.

Once or twice, I’ve received photos, & reminded those gentlemen that no DMd photo is private. They show up in your Twitpic or Yfrog public stream & then BOOM, they’re on teh interwebs forever. These days if a drunk lonely friend is DMing me some nasties, I try to stave off the inevitable photo post by reminding him before he does it.

If I’m close enough w/ someone, they can always text me. I’m only *that* close to one (maybe two?) folks on Twitter. I have also willfully participated in truly filthy DMing w/ a select group of those, like, two people. So I’m not here to proclaim victimhood. DMing with boys can be fun.

On more than one occasion, a gentleman has been DMing me for hours only to accidentally post extremely personal information to his public timeline by accident. This has been anything from incidentals about his genitalia to his phone number. It happens. I once accidentally posted a really cryptic but worrying piece of information to my public timeline that caused a really bizarre flurry of speculation amongst fans. One of things I love about Twitter for iPhone is that it makes accidentally sending DM to the public timeline almost impossible.

Congressmen Weiner is doing the exact same song & dance one of my DMers did after he was found out. My DMer just happened to not be a public figure. But he *was*, it turns out, married.

If Nicole Gennette *was* the intended recipient, she did the same classy thing all we DMd women do…let it go. Sadly, Rep. Weiner did not. What’s worse than a married congressman DMing his schlong to a young woman on a lonely night?

Lying about it. A lot. Making things worse for her.

No theories here, folks. I didn’t even have to use clairsentience to sort this one out. Pure experience, listening, & seeing.

So no, guys, I won’t be outing any of you for your dirty DMs. But if you fuck one up & drag my name into the news doing it, I will not protect your dumb ass. Ok, I probably would. Never mind.

Your Fifteen Minutes of Lame

So it appears that the Library of Congress is going to gank the Twitter archive & there ain’t a thing we can do about it. As some of you have been saying to me all day on Twitter, who cares? Why are you, Right Wing Loon, annoyed by this? Why did you create the apparently non-functioning hashtag #StickTHATInYourLibraryOfCongress?

Ok kids, here’s a run down of the process I went through regarding this announcement, in order from Right Wing Loon Anger to Compassion For Future Generations. It gets funnier as you go, so turn off your outrage that I don’t think everything ever is wonderful and just try to follow the process. Comments are welcome, especially if you bring something new that I haven’t considered.

Initial Reaction 1. Why the hell do we need a government archive of stuff that is already archived by a privately run company? Why indeed? What else does the government get to archive for important historical purposes? If they need, for some reason, every tweet about Justin Beiber and the #threewordsaftersex, why not just start recording the conversation you’re having in a streetside cafe? That’s public domain. Why not indeed?

“You’re a big paranoid right wing loon!” you cry. “Go have a tea party with Sarah Palin!” Why, that would be lovely. If she invited me, you betcha I’d go. But if you don’t understand why it’s dodgy that the government wants a copy of something already available for research purposes, it would be very hard to help you understand. Also, I don’t want to ever sound like my father, who grew up under Communism but is also nuts, so I won’t go into that. On some things, the man is right. This would be one of them. My grandfather was imprisoned for the things he wrote in the newspaper during the Communist take over of Czechoslovakia, and since some of you are so quick to compare Twitter to other published works, that ought to make you slightly itchy. Deny it or not, the socialism of today comes creeping in, softly, without fanfare, and in tiny bites so you shrug it off & don’t even notice it.

(Except for healthcare. Apparently the insurance companies needed a huge boost to their stock prices RIGHT NOW. So that was just pushed through. The subtlety is starting to dip. So many of you are willing to accept the changes, the government’s getting a little more brazen every month.)

But that’s not really about the Library of Congress and Twitter, is it? So…say that it’s totally legitimate, maybe even fun, for a government entity to have copies of something already publically available by a private company. Because it’s HISTORY, right? We’re all a part of history!

Reaction 2 (after discussion w/ thoughtful friend). Some of you think it’s neat. And I get that. If you, like me, are a fan of Ken Burns’ documentaries, you love the bits with the lilting bluegrass music and Sam Waterston’s pleasant voice saying “Dearest Mary, I fear the South may win this thing, and before the capital is stormed, I hope to plunge my cock into you one last time. I fear the pleasing white mound of your buttocks might never be viewed by these misty eyes again. All my heart and soul, Abe.” You love seeing snippets of people’s lives through their private letters. I assure you if those folk had those letters archived for posterity while they were alive, they would scream bloody blue murder.

Although I am sure there are 1% of tweets out there worthy of permanency in a government archive, the vast majority of Twitter, and I say this with love, are cat photos and sandwich reports. Also what has bacon. My roommate, who is a law student & is always thinking about such things, argued that the Library of Congress is making it so we can research various vital topics better. I responded, “Research WHAT? The mystery of who can haz cheeseburger?”

The overwhelming majority of us are just not fucking important, folks. We are morons, and we tweet moronic things. I know you have better things to do than read that my cat is not getting along with another cat. I tweet it because for some reason, the 714 people who follow me occasionally find me amusing. I don’t expect it to go beyond there, because it’s NOT IN ANY WAY IMPORTANT. History doesn’t care what you think of Hurley. History doesn’t care what candy has bacon in it. History doesn’t care that #punkbitchesbetrippin. History isn’t going to give a diarrhea-soaked dump in hell what Justin Beiber did or who he was. History really could give a flying fuck about Megapirhana, manbearpig, #tcot or whether or not you were a cheater.

We are meaningless specks in terabytes of worthlessness. It’s NOT HISTORY. It’s not research. The only value at all in the Library of Congress saving our muck for posterity will be a ton of links to actual blogs & articles that any idiot could get if they searched on Google. Why Twitter? Why not Facebook? Why not MySpace? Why not bulletin boards? Why not every blog ever?

What’s next, Library of Congress? What total idiot spouting nonsense will you need to archive for posterity next? Why do you need to archive total idiots talking about nothing all day? If I don’t read 95% of the tweets in my stream, why the hell do YOU want them?

Reaction 3 (after discussion w/ snarky friend). But…but…people in 2095 might learn something from me. Someone actually said this to me. In 140 characters, someone in 2095 might glean some nugget of brilliance from your bacon-fixated brain? Ok. Sure. And why do you believe this, exactly? I blame reality television.

Reality television and social networking kind of blossomed at the same time. For some reason, many of us believe that people actually give a crap what we think, that we’re important, and we deserve to be famous and, dare you say it, even influential. This cultural narcisism has evolved to the point where we actually think that people in 2095 will remember that we were a Real Housewife of Van Nuys or that we once met a guy at Subway who looked kinda like the guy from Human Target.  SERIOUSLY?

Trending Topics is where love for humanity goes to die. Don’t ever look there. If you do, pray before, during, & after for the strength of Jesus to forgive your fellow man for existing. Then ask yourself “Does this belong in the Library of Congress?” Give an honest answer. Yes, freedom of speech. But we say lots of stupid crap to each other daily that is not archive-worthy. Why? Because we’re not as awesome as we think we are. We’re just people, living our lives. That’s ok. It’s ok to be a normal person. None of us has to be an influence on society, and many people who already are shouldn’t be. Hello, Kardashians.

Reaction 4. Social networking. We microblog to meet other microbloggers. Will the Library of Congress start showing up to Singles Wine Tasting Night at Whole Foods and record those influential and life affirming exchanges for posterity? Will the Ken Burns of 2095 have an audio snippet that goes something like “Dude, this pinot is fruitier than the rest. So what do you do? Oh yeah? I’m in synergy. What do you do to relax? Yeah, bikram is my favourite, too.” Will the Ken Burns of 2095 have some sincere and velvet voiced actor read “Avatar was amazing. You should see it in 3D at least twice, holy crap”?

Reaction 5. People from all over the world use Twitter. What are their rights in regards to the American Library of Congress? Does anybody know? If so, please comment. My overseas friends are most eager to know.

My roommate suggested something brilliant. We should have the option PER TWEET to make a post private to your followers or public. That way, if you have something loaded with historical significance to share, you can make it public. If you’re just tweeting lines from Mighty Boosh, well, that’s up to you. I think this is a brilliant option, and it will probably make the Library of Congress happier, as well as future historians. What say you, Twitter?

Apparently the government is going to do whatever it likes, but in the meantime, do your part to spare the future our trite bullshit. Some poor 19 year old digging around for reactions to the first black president in history will bless you in his prayers at night. Don’t hate on that kid; Twitter. Give us the public/private per tweet option.

Your Intolerance of Intellectual Diversity

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been confronted with the alarming reality that many of you do not know what Adam Baldwin is doing when he tweets “Your intolerance of intellectual diversity is noted. Farewell.”

Now I don’t claim to read Mr. Baldwin’s mind, & I sure as hell do not speak for him, but I will let y’all in on a little secret. I enjoy reading, & I am fascinated by discourse. Twitter lets me participate in both at the same time, with millions of people. Fricken’ score!  I enjoy reading & discourse because it helps me to understand people’s intentions and ideas. It’s pretty clear to me why he posts that parting remark.

The first time Adam posted that, I thought, as many of you still do, “Whiskey tango foxtrot, what’s that all about?” so I clicked on the “in reply to” dealie & was confronted with the first of many tweets like this:

@yayzomg6969 I’m not following @adamsbaldwin anymore cuz he’s a republican & eww already. Makes me sick. Meanie!

We can deduce, based on the content of the crass “I’m not following you any more” tweet (look at me, I’m bossy & important!), that the tweeter is not Republican or Libertarian or Conservative as such concepts, which Adam Baldwin does admittedly espouse, make the tweeter “sick” & they think he’s a “meanie”. No engaging him in conversation as to why they don’t agree or think that’s mean, just out & out dismissal. Hoo. Rah.

This person probably either clings to no political philosophy, or the opposite of Adam’s. Or, if they themselves are what they hate, nuts. So anywho, the idea here is that this person has a set of ideas & doesn’t even want to be exposed to the other set.

Some of you, without irony, have expressed bafflement so I will break it down for ya (& if you think this is in response to you, it’s probably not. No shit, like 8 people over the past 48 hours have been questioning this very sentence, for different reasons, in different ways):

Your = possessive you

Intolerance = unwillingness to even see tweets from the other side, let alone click on ’em

of Intellectual = thoughts

Diversity = different from yours

is Noted. = I see your obnoxious unfollow announcement, you dolt. Like anyone aside from you, even the 153 Jo Bros fans & porn bots following you, could give a shit.

Farewell = But I wish you success & happiness. And KABLOCKA!

Does that make sense now? This person with different ideas than Adam doesn’t want to hear different ideas. They are intolerant of intellectual diversity. This is a very pleasant way to respond to the Twitter equivalent of “Fuck off even though I chose to listen to you.”

Those on the receiving end are lucky they’re getting Baldwin & not any of his characters. How would Casey respond? “Yeah, get outta hear, ya moron, before you get lead poisoning of the brain.” How would Jayne respond? “I don’t like folk following me no how anyhows <blammo>.” How would Animal Mother respond? Well, I think there’d be a lot of “motherfucker” and then some machine gun fire & then quite possibly collateral damage.

So…that should make sense now. He isn’t claiming he’s posting a bunch of different perspectives (though he does give the opposing view point airtime on occasion, for which he is rewarded with “Fuck off”); he’s saying that the trog announcing they are unfollowing him appears to be intolerant of even the concept of other ideas. Because on Twitter, you click on the links you want. You can look at Metallica photos or you can read about sustainable development. It really is up to you.

When he says “intolerance of…” in chat rooms (ahem), he is A. being snarky B. responding to you making a disrespectful comment about his views. If you get to be funny at him, he gets to be funny back. Fair’s fair.

When I say “intolerance of”, I am giving you shit. This is something you should be used to by now if you talk to me a lot. It’s fair to say that the more shit I give you, the less afraid I am of you & the more I love you.

Please don’t be intolerant of my amicable expressive diversity.


Life In The So Called Space Age

Lots of you don’t “get” Twitter, & that’s fine, but this is what Twitter is supposed to be used for…ok, maybe not. But this is the best use I’ve gotten out of it since the “fake Chuck spoilers” night of hilarity:

Me: @adamsbaldwin *tap tap* You’ve helped me lose 2 followers today. ROCK! Now I feel like I’m saying something! 😉

ChuckMeMondays: 2? I lost 10! Pffft.

Me: You have more followers than me. 🙂 You are more important than me, though.

CMM: I have less than 3 times your followers and lost 5 times more. So… my loss hurts more. 🙂

Me: Darling that’s bad math & you know it. Wait, did you post a pro-Baldwin blog?

CMM: No but my tweets are very pro @AdamSBaldwin so people turn on me. Wait, they turn on me anyway. Never mind. 😉

Me: HAH! Must be that whole natural meanie thing. Oh well, their loss. They don’t know your squooshy insides.

CMM: Bad math? I am pretty sure 5 x 2 = 10. There is just math and that is it, doll.

Me: Actually you’re right. You lost half a percentage more of a follower than me, if you do the math for reals. But still.

CMM: Even the people who know my “squooshy insides” cringe at my evil side. 🙂

Me: As well they ought!

CMM: Half a percentage? Sigh. 2/500 = 3.5%; 10/1200 = 0.8%. You lost way more than me. Realser math!

Me: Ok wtf did I do? I did 2 out of 496 vs 10 out of 1218. And apparently mistyped?

CMM: I used the math trick my enviro science prof taught me in da college.

Me: HUGE LOL.  Don’t mess with my puny brain when I’m this tired *pouts* But that was funny 😉

CMM: LOL! That was fun. I haven’t laughed that hard since I was a little girl.

Me: I’m going to come up to you at ComicCon & smack you. And now you’ll know why. 😉

CMM: Want to sell SDCC 2010 tickets! Too many people want to slap me.

Me: No, smack. Slapping implies I would hit you in the face.

CMM: Next time you want that conversation just call me. Sheesh. Think of the kids!

Me: OMG! I didn’t mean like THAT. YOU think of the kids! (Christ, we sound like mom & dad)

CMM: Sure, sure. Tell it to the kids when I pick them up from the PSYCHOLOGIST!

Me: Oh, now with the therapist schtick again. My attorney told me not to discuss this with you.

CMM: Your “attorney?” Still living that lie? Well, the kids know the truth & they hate you. Oh & please return their Elmo DVD. Thx

Me: I am not letting the kids watch that leftist twaddle & have therefore ran the Elmo DVD over with my SUV. *bursts into tears*

CMM: I always knew you hated the kids as much as you hate the planet! FASCIST!

Me: I LOVE the children. I want them to live in a world free of screaming barely literate leftist puppets. Why don’t you get me?

CMM: You want them to live in a “world free” as long as it isn’t a free world for everyone. Stay away from the kids evil woman!

Me: I get them MWF, you bastard. Also? Sunshine Rainbow Dewdrop wants to change her name to Anne Coulter.

CMM: Sunshine wants to change her name to that of a Cornell toker who loves the Grateful Dead? Right on!

Me: Oh wait, she said she meant Ayn Rand. Sorry, my darling Stalinist. Atlas shrugs in your general direction.

CMM: I hate you so much. Anyway, so I will pick you up on Saturday so we can go out for ice cream. Bye, baby.

Me: Ok, honey! Snuzzles!

Then SexBiscuit said he was jealous of Adam Baldwin and now also ChuckMeMondays. So I said he’s the only one who’s heard me be sleepy on the phone. He said that made him feel special, so I said,

Me: You *are* special! @adamsbaldwin NEVER calls me & @chuckmemondays only calls me to tell me I’m an idiot 😉 For HOURS.

CMM: P.S. you’re an idiot. That saves me $0.00 in a phone call. Love ya!

Me: *mwah* and huggles

Lots of other people use Twitter to say they are eating a sandwich or that they have a crush on the President or to speculate that Tiger Woods’ wife hit him with a golf club because he is having an affair with the President. Those are silly uses for Twitter. The best use for Twitter is the dissemination of true information, plugging your bullshit, & and most of all, finding quick wits & encouraging them to talk. That’s the best part of all.

I’ve made some great friends on Twitter, and I snuzzles you all. Snuzzles.

Wow, so past my bed time.