Random Proverbs For Jerks

As my political writing will soon appear elsewhere (& the crowd goes “WOOT!”), I figured I’d grace my own blog with some random scribbles & anecdotes. I’m calling these Proverbs because screw you. Also I’m very tired & have a headache:

If you hurt my friends, I will hurt you with my brain. I don’t care if you’re downloading their work illegally or accosted them with your sombrero, but your occipital lobe is MINE, assfondler.

Elephants are majestic, beautiful, & old, like Helen Mirren.

Also you have all the moral aptitude of a child molester. Eat lead paint & die.

Candyfloss? It’s not floss. It’s a wad. England is stupid.

I get excited when people I can’t stand unfollow me first. It’s like I won some contest of polite wills.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re like a kitten. Kittens are for cuddling & playing with. You don’t tell the kitten that your stock is tanking & your wife’s a bitch.

I want to slather you with creamy, lightly fragranced floral affection.

I would devour him in a hot second if, you know, everything were totally different.

You don’t have to be thin to be hot, duh! Just be hot! And by “be hot” I mean…be hot! What? It’s a thing.

Jesus doesn’t care about stupid crap.

Oh my God, & 9 months is like 9 years in Gay Man Years!

How come you don’t? I know you won’t. But you always make me feel like you will.

Dude, enjoy this. Seriously, it’s ok to hit that. It’s full of yum, & it’s serving our country. Give it the gift of your vagina. For America.

That cat is one more sleepless night away from “M-O-O-N spells moon”. Oh, that guy didn’t kill the whatever that was? Ok, never mind.

It smells like roses and honey got slammed up against a wall by coconut & loved on until the earth cracked open beneath them. Naturally I need that.

You don’t understand. It’s like pixies made of Betty Page. It’s the awesomest thing I’ve ever seen!

It tastes just like Christmas smells. What do you mean, you’ve never tasted Christmas?! It’s made of joy!

The loud in here is all like fuchsia up in yer grill today.

You look like that guy. Girls that are into that sort of thing would totally climb your shit.

Why would I want to spend time with someone who admits that he’s purposefully trying to drive me mad AND uses Force Indigestion on me?

It seems impossible, but she is both completely insane AND boring.

It may seem childish to take a nap, but trust me, only the absolute coolest of people pass out in the green room. We won’t say “nap”. We’ll say “passed out in the green room”. Like a rock star.

You’re gonna totally narc on my wine consumption to your mom?!

So I texted him “puppy tasting”. He was kind enough to ignore that.

Mmm, the delicious right.

Darling, some men are intimidated by porn aptitude.

I love when they’re all hard muscle & then that warm clean smelling fuzzy of the chest hair & whatnot. Just glue me to that shit & let me make it happy.

With the throwing up & breaking stuff & up all night & fighting & singing & dancing & in my bed all the time, you’d think I was touring w/ rock stars. But no. You’re fricken’ cats.