As a reformed “bad girl”, I struggle pretty much daily with my innate instinct to be mischievous in a mostly harmless way & still live in service to Christ. While Christ has a sense of humour, He’s vague about mostly harmless creatures who could really torment the ever living fuck out of men were they so inclined.

They are so inclined.

And what’s the harm in that, asks you, red blooded XY chromosome carrier? After all, you enjoy being tormented. That’s why you stream porn on your phone, isn’t it? It’s why you follow hot chicks on Twitter. It’s why you friended Sally Biderman on Facebook, even though you last saw her face down in a pool of flour paste, macaroni & glitter in Mrs. Peeley’s kindergarten class, because she grew up to be fucking hot. And unlike you, she’s divorced. Not that you’d ever, but…fucking hot. And you played tag with her once, which is like touching…

Men have their own special hells.

Anyhow, by the sheer energy of my own existence have I become this creature who was defined against her will at a very early age as a desirable object. She’s never known any different, & despite actively & sometimes subconsciously fighting that defined quality, it’s inherent now to her being. She learned how it could be positive, how it made people happy. What’s wrong with making people happy? Harmless fun!

And while having this exact conversation with Jesus not ten minutes ago, she heard Him say, “Who makes you happy? Is it really your job to amuse others all the time?”

“Well yeah!” she said, dragging incessantly off an electronic clove. “Is bringing happiness to nice men a sin? I’m not doing anything horrible like sleeping with anyone. And I would so very much like to sleep with someone.”

And He says “Right, cos that has always worked out so well for you in the past. Look at how happily married you’ve never been!” because Jesus is kind of a sarcastic dick to me as that’s the only way to get through.

And I was like “But what does my happiness, safety & security matter if I’m making others happy?”

And Jesus sighed & said “I didn’t come here to punish anyone & I didn’t come here to make you miserable or sad. I did come here to save you. And those various rules aren’t so KJ can feel all conflicted & sad. They’re to liberate you from your stupid fricken choices. You’ve had a lifetime of poor treatment to overcome. If I left you to your own devices without Grace, where would you be now?”

Pause. “Dead in a field?”

“Many times over. Anyhow don’t blog about this. Nobody gets it.”

“But people think it helps them when I share this stuff.”

“Eh, suit yourself. I forget you don’t care if anyone thinks you’re crazy.”

I realized I was getting tired. “Is it ok for me to have friends, Jesus?”

“I thought you’d never ask. Yes, please, make all the friends you can. What they think about you in their private man minds is none of your business, nor is it your fault.”

“It’s not?”

“No. Goodness, child, how could it be?”

“I dunno.”

“Be logical.”


“Would you tell a friend it was her fault?”




“C’mon. Who’s the Son of God, here?”

And I then I was all “Oh yeah.”


6 thoughts on “Duh

  1. I don’t think you’re “crazy” at all.

  2. DJWeideman says:

    Our own special hells.

    Fucking nailed it.

  3. sage8888 says:

    It’s a lovely use of the sarcastic Jesus vernacular. If course most people define crazy as a bad thing, I like crazy, crazy like a fox is often useful in pointing out the usefulness of crazy, guess, you could be crazy like a loon but loons are cute too. Just my crazy opinion.

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