Cake Or Death? Uh, Cake Please!


I’ve tweeted my various experiments with almond-based cake, & I keep promising to perfect the recipe from Pati’s Mexican Kitchen cos the damn thing has too much vanilla in it. Don’t get me wrong; it’s good if you hate almonds.

Me? I LURVE me some marzipan something fierce so I want it to taste like that, except bigger and cake! If like me you have celiac disease or, unlike me, a nasty gluten or wheat allergy, this recipe is for you. Have your cake and DON’T get dysentery from it, too!

Another glorious side effect of the almond cake is weight loss. Now, I am by no means advocating the inhaling of cake in order to slim down. We all know it’s about calories in & out. However, this cake is so dense & full of protein that a small amount keeps my hunger at bay for a good long time. Since I’ve been making & experimenting with this cake, I’ve lost two pounds without changing anything additional in my diet. Granted, I’m not sucking down ice cream. But still! Delicious diet cake!

Here’s how you make this bitch:

Go to the store & purchase:
-2 cups of slivered almonds (I prefer toasted to blanched)
-3/4 a cup of sugar
-a teaspoon to a tablespoon of almond extract (to taste)
-8 egg whites, or 4 whole eggs
-1/2 a cup of room temperature butter
-raspberry jam/jelly
-a food processor

If you already have these things at home, you need not purchase them.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees & butter an 8×8 pan.

Dump the almonds & sugar into the food processor & pulse into a relatively fine powder. It need not be as fine as wheat flour, but you don’t want it coarse meal, either.

Now dump in the extract & eggs, then smoosh the room temp butter in on top. Process until completely incorporated & smooth.

Pour the batter into the pan & put in the oven for 30 minutes. If a chopstick or toothpick comes out clean at the end, it’s done. Set on a rack to cool. While still hot, spoon a couple of tablespoons of jam (jelly if you don’t want seeds) on to the hot cake & spread it across the top of the cake once it’s melted a little.

Leave the cake to cool as long as you can stand it.

Here’s the honesty part. I cut the cake into 16 pieces. You may as well just cut it into four, as that’s how you’ll want to eat it. I tend to eat two little pieces at a time, so technically I should cut it into 8ths, but I like to pretend I’m having seconds.

It’s good warm, but it’s fricken amazing cold, cos then it’s more like marzipan. This cake is truly eyes-roll-back-in-your-head embarrassing-public-orgasm good. It’s amazing with almond milk or strong black tea, & I’ve been told it can probably be easily made as a vegan treat (by vegans who presumably want me to make it for them).

This a snap for even achy fibromyalgics like me or super lazy people to make. I think its even easier than my old shortbread recipe.

Wrap the top w/ foil & stick in the fridge for future enjoyment. I plan to try a chocolate topped version for when I want to impress women.

Best of all, the base recipe is a snap & you can modify to your heart’s content, which is how I ended up with this one. You can get fancy & do it in a spring form pan with parchment paper, but seriously, who cares? It lifts out of the pan more easily than brownies, so unless you want to decorate, you can just do it like a sheet cake. You could use different jams, or different extracts (I bet coconut would be good…Ooh with grilled rum pineapple on top & whipped coconut milk!).

What I’m saying is, even men can make this. Go forth & delight the womenfolk! No one will ever choose “or death”…except people with horrendous nut allergies, of course. Send them round the corner to get a plain old normal people cake, then. Weirdos.


One thought on “Cake Or Death? Uh, Cake Please!

  1. bteacher99 says:

    Why even cut this cake at all? If you leave it intact, you can honestly say that you “never even finished the first piece”! 🙂

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