Stay Positive, Assholes! Lol!!

As y’all know, I have the slightly charming, mildly irritating habit of trying to turn all itchy, nasty moods & circumstances into a positive. It’s kind of my thing to refuse to dwell, & it serves me well. Sometimes, though, due to the overwhelmingly obvious fact that I’m still annoyingly human, I remain irked despite my best efforts to get Pollyana-cheerful (e.g. watch Nyan cat several times). The following list of Positive Affirmations & accidental proverbs results. Enjoy.

Fibromyalgia means never having to say you’re not in pain!

Cat poo is your cat’s way of reminding you it’s still alive.

When someone adds you to a Facebook group without your permission, don’t get mad. You finally have proof that they’re an unredeemable asshole! Yay!

Twitter misunderstandings result from the sort of mind that desperately wants to read meaning into 140 character missives. “OMG PIE!! LOL!!! #FML!!” doesn’t mean you’re breaking up. Rejoice!

When someone desperately wants your attention but has done nothing to earn it, that is never your problem. The day you can adequately amuse 6 billion humans without neglecting your loved ones is the day that becomes your problem.

Conversely, for every person that acknowledges you, there’s another twenty watching in silence. They’re intimidated by your brilliance. Or are creepy science dudes from the future.

Even the smartest, kindest men are, at times, clueless about girls.

Laughing at my jokes is not flirting. It is expected.

An actress on her second glass of wine will tell you anything. Pour her a third!

Guacamole typically does not have ham.

The man who thinks he is winning your heart by correcting you on dumb shit all the time is the man for whom you will eventually be convicted of arsenic poisoning.

The cat’s wet nose/claws/baleful mew after 2 hours sleep is proof it’s still alive!

Your cat is still alive! You’ve exhibited the self control to never kill it! You are counted among the saints.

If you want everybody you ever read tarot for to leave you happy, always tell them the boy they’re dating will marry them. If you want them to actually come back to you because you’re right, tell the truth.

Nothing makes food taste better than laughter. Or is more of a choking hazard.

Nobody comes up with a more convoluted & self-satisfied explanation for things than the man who has not bothered to engage in common experiences.

Sour grapes make whine.

The only way to extinguish a behaviour is to ignore it. If you keep responding, you are picking a scab. And enjoying it.

If you go about life insisting that you’ve evolved past your hormones, you have a fool for a lawyer.

Occam’s razor creates THE best Brazillian.

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3 thoughts on “Stay Positive, Assholes! Lol!!

  1. GidgetWidget says:

    “Nobody comes up with a more convoluted & self-satisfied explanation for things than the man who has not bothered to engage in common experiences.”

    I love this post but the quote above is by far my favorite. And kudos for the shout-out to the wonders of the Brazilian. xx ~Gidgie

  2. kevinbsnyder says:

    Here is one you forgot “Bacon goes with anything”

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