Alas that we as a nation are now privy to the tender & cock-choking ministrations of Rep. Weiner over Facebook chat & Twitter DM. I am alarmed at the shoddy quality of his sexts, & I think that classy dames deserve & should demand more of their online nasty-chats.
The key to good girl sexting lies in first exercising discriminating taste in partners. Married congressmen are instant no-gos. All you’re doing is satisfying an ego that power to wield tax-payer monies did not suffice. You could let this guy donkey punch you & it wouldn’t be enough. So step back & enjoy this guide for the discriminating classy broad:
1. A lady never initiates.
2. If a lady is aware that a gentleman is married, she politely reminds him. My favourite reminders are “Oh, so your wife is into this kind of thing, eh? Am I talking to her? Hi, Maureen!”
One time, I did get “Oh, I’m so pleased, you filthy girl!” from the wife’s email address. So sometimes that can backfire.
Another is “Does your wife check your phone??” Usually, it stops there. If it doesn’t, one of 3 things is happening:
A. He’s drunk. Forgive him & still be his friend. Accept his inevitable apology. He may also pretend it never happened. He’s a good guy. Let it go.
B. He’s playing the same game he does w/ his guy friends (like “Know How I Know You’re Gay?”), but w/ you it’s less weird, cos you’re a cool chick & it’s never going to be about you two having anything like sex ever.
C. He’s a total prick. Abort! Abort!
3. If you’re playing a boy/girl version of “Know How I Know You’re Gay”, it will stay light, never be about you two together, & centre around sports or professional terminology in your field. Don’t cross that line if you’re not 100% sure he’s single. If you want to cross that line, I can’t help you.
4. You’ve ascertained to the best of your ability that he is not married. He says something sweet, like that he’d love to be with you right now. You ask, coyly, “Oh yeah, how come? ”
A. If he says “Yeah, come! Come on your FACE, bitch!” abort, abort.
B. If he says “Funny you should use that word, though I spell it ‘cum'”, you’re dealing w/ an imbecile but it MIGHT be fun. Go with this only if you’re drunk. Reign him back. Sexting is about titillation, not consummation. And insist he spell properly.
C. If he says “Cos I bet you smell pretty and feel warm,” YOU’VE GOT A PRO. Engage! This person once performed foreplay on a live adult woman! LIKE YOU!!
5. Make sure, before you go any further, that “LongDong758” is not your uncle, brother-in-law, etc. “You don’t live in Wales, do you?” is a good start.
6. Your job is not to get him off. He already did that five days ago from your profile picture & recipe for adobe grilled shrimp. He’s a man. Your job is to allow him to hone his wooage skills. Let him enjoy your delight in his humour. Sexting should be sorta funny or he’s taking it way too seriously & will be on a plane to your GPS coordinates before you can say “9 millimeters to the dome”.
7. The ONLY time you should get “all the way” sexting is if you’ve actually had sex in person. Then you’re just amusing each other while away. This is good for marrieds.
8. NEVER SEND PHOTOS OF NAKED BODY PARTS EVER. Imagine your nipples on TMZ. If that’s not acceptable to you, don’t do it. Cleavage is another matter. Would your father shoot somebody? Ok then.
9. Let him tell you a story & be the Choose Your Own Adventure for him. He says “If I were there I would want to hold you close to me.” You say “I would like that. What cologne are you wearing?” Then he’ll take it into sensualist territory. If you go straight to “I would press my tits against your chest!” you will be at “I CUM ON YOUR FOREHEAD” in two passes.
10. Let him be vague; it’s less seedy & less likely to end in virtual semen on virtual foreheads. If he wants to briefly discuss the sturdiness of walls, the glamour of curls & the brush of fingernails all in a flutter, give him the faint warmth of cognac on the breath, the press of hips & the fervent grasp of little hands with slender fingers. You can be all Nabokov about it without getting too literary. Unless you like literary. Or go to option B…
11. Option B: for bitches who hate books. Go on the virtual date w/ the step by step make out session. “I want to kiss you.” “I’d part my lips for you.” “Oh, I’d want to touch you.” “Where do you want to touch me? I might let you.”
He wants to be teased, because that’s more fun. If he goes straight to water sports, he’s a psycho & did I not already mention ABORT ABORT!??!
12. Seeing as how I’m a good girl, I’m not going to explain any further. What I hope you’ve gathered from this is that it should take HOURS for him to even think it’s safe to mention his wiener. He should be dancing around it like he has to pee. He should be leaning hard into the copy machine at work. He should be unable to get out of his truck without a newspaper in front of his crotch. He should be smiling and wincing every moment of his entire day until he can get home to a quiet place & simply text you those four magic words “God, I want you.”
And then, darling, it’s all up to you.