April Tard

I hate April Fool’s Day, & those of you who perpetrate your evil pranks upon the world are hateful, bestial, monstrous lag-abouts who drown kittens & slap babies. YES YOU.

My first and most formative April Fools pranking occurred my first year in the States. I had just turned 7, & my mother burst into my bedroom, staggering, faint, and bleeding horribly from the face.

I jumped up, ran to her while she explained to me she had fainted & hit her face on the bathroom mirror. Sure enough, it was cracked. I was fretting as small English children do, & could not remember if the American way to phone an ambulance was 999 or something else.

Anyhow, I’d finally gotten myself together enough to reach for the phone when my mum burst out laughing. “April Fool!” she howled, and wiped the ketchup off her face. “It’s just beefy!” she explained, as I called ketchup “beefy” for reasons no one knew. She offered it up to taste, but I was horrified.

And I’ve fucking hated you sadists ever since.

I have a good sense of humor (natch), but pranks have never made sense to me. Why someone would want to lie or cause embarrassment to a person is beyond my comprehension of human nature. Not an ounce of psychology training has explained it to me. I understand intellectually why someone kills their own children before I understand on any level the prankster.

Despite laughing freely at things that are actually funny, I am and have always been a very serious child, even at 37 years of age. I have painfully acute empathy & take people at face value, to the point where if someone appears to be suffering, my heart instantly goes out to them & I want to fix it.

If I’m “working”, I can tell that something is off, & I will ask a client “Are you telling me the whole truth?” which most do, but some do try to “test the psychic”, which makes no sense to me. That’s like telling the doctor you came in for a headache when you actually have bowel cancer. Don’t you want to work on the actual issue at hand, rather than “test” a person’s diagnostic skills?

Anyhow, to preserve my sanity & protect your privacy, I usually turn the clairsentience off when I’m going about daily business. In which case, I assume, stupidly, that all people wish to communicate plainly and honestly. Isn’t that the best way to get things across? If I have something nice to say to you, I’ll say it & mean it. Fishing for compliments with me tends to piss the angler off, as I cannot fake nice & I won’t see it. I also won’t tell you that you’re a horrible bugger unless you really deserve it, as everybody has bad days.

The fact is, if I say something nice to you, even something absurd, I mean it 100%. If I don’t say anything to you, I like you just fine, & it’s best not to ask if there’s any specific reason, as I have not thought of one, & the look on my face while I puzzle over this will be taken as an insult where none is intended.

Anyhow because of this trait of utter honesty and face value acceptance, I am the ultimate prank victim. What’s worse, I will take your prank at face value & spread your fiendish misinformation to other people with such true and honest conviction, even the very wise assume I am conveying fact. When actually I am their idiot friend who thought something was true.

Occasionally I am lucky enough to meet someone who had a not so decent past, who explains these things to me, if they are decent enough to explain it. However these days, I’m so embarrassed by my stupidity that I tend to share my impressions of new info with a very select couple of people. These people are constantly amused or perplexed by my sincerity, & frequently start their responses to me with “Seriously, KJ?”

I am driven, at times, to confused tears.

I didn’t even come up with a good senior prank day prank. I can’t even remember if I came up with one at all. That’s how lame it was. My boyfriend at the time spelled out “FORK YOU” on the football field with, well, forks. That was brilliant! But then I thought of all those poor greensmen, resodding…

If you tell me you’ve hurt yourself, been fired, getting married/divorced, are pregnant, contemplating suicide, thinking of purchasing a Toyota Corolla, I will ALWAYS take you seriously. Count on that, my friend. And then I will try to help you, or at least be an ear.

But woe betide you who betray my childlike trust. You know what Jesus said. Well. It was basically “Woe betide he who betrays childlike trust.” So. *cough*

Anyhow, you don’t want to make me cry. It’s a mess. Also, people who have tried too hard to take pranks too far with me find that they have to spend doubly long extricating themselves from their fetid web of lies–long after the police have turned up, or I beat up that guy for them. Oh, it’s always a mess.

There are people it is fun to prank. I am not one of them, I’m told, because I take the faked dilemma so seriously, & take such immediate steps to fix it, that it’s sheer torture trying to explain to my hurt & crumpled little face that it’s not real, that everything’s fine.

Cos WHO WOULD LIE ABOUT THAT?! My mummy’s face was all smashed in!



4 thoughts on “April Tard

  1. Steve Swann says:

    My brother in law gave his 6 year old son nothing but a lump of coal in his stocking one Christmas morning. “He cried and cried” he laughs telling the story to this day, 15 years later. But suspending a coworker’s stapler in Jello, that’s genius. I’ve had my cubicle and contents wrapped in cling film. It was funny and I liked the attention. People just need to make sure their victim will actually laugh and enjoy the prank.

  2. DJWeideman says:

    Once in Boot Camp, someone yelled out, “Attention On Deck!” which was the signal that the DI was there and expected us to pop tall. Some jerk did it on April Fools and one guy slipped and fell from his chair trying to get up, and almost broke his arm. A joke web site is one thing, but real-life events aren’t fun. Pass.

  3. Lyn says:

    I’m with you on this one KJ, people need to learn the difference between a ‘funny’ prank or out and out lieing. Our local newspaper had an article about a brand new and exciting product that was available, rain coats for garden gnomes. That was funny. Pranks where people get hurt either physically or emotionally are not.
    Statements made online about show cancelations, or people you care about leaving a particular site cause distress, as there is no way of checking the actual facts at the time. These statements are not in the least bit funny.
    What are we supposed to do? assume that everything you read on April 1st is in some way untrue.
    I for one am glad that this madness has passed for another year.

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