Licensed to Drive

Yesterday I participated in that holy American rite of passage: the obtaining of your new state’s driver’s license. I must say, the Californian DMV experience is superior to that of the Nevadan. It was less “cattle call” and more “extremely popular Kosher deli”. I was in & out in 2.5 hours, all said & done.

I therefore had plenty of time to tweet. Here are my comments in time order, locatable under the hashtag #KJAtTheDMV. Keep in mind I had 3 hours sleep the night before:

I am currently in line to get in line.

I am one of four people here who speaks English, including the spritely little dude who issued my waiting ticket.

It’s inevitable; when I meet valley people & they find out I’m English, they go “Ohmigod, where’s, like, your accent?!”

Only 37 people before me! Luckily I am in the fastest queue.

There is a loud guy on a phone here who has apparently never been to the DMV before & boggles at the options.

I know enough Spanish to know this guy thinks I’m hot. Either that or he has a heat rash.

The impatient guy in my queue who went across the street to get a bite to eat is gonna find out soon that he is screwed.

B070’s number was called & he just screamed “YES!” like he just won the California Lotto.

Apparently the momentum of the G line (mine) has been usurped by the treacherous B line. We hatesez!

G line is back in business! They must have gotten sick of those cretins who did not do their registration online.

That guy is wearing a flap hat, smells like bubble gum, & is singing soft jams to himself in a falsetto.

I hope I get the feisty Korean dude as my DMV worker. He’s my DMV rock star.

I just realized that a baby is like a cat you can bring anywhere. This chick is holding her baby to keep her hands warm.

Dear G111, window number 9 ain’t gonna wait forever. Love, G117.

Lots of Tres Flores up in this mother.

I have determined that J line is for those who need to reinstate. They appear to be old Hollywood ladies w/ spendy head scarves.

OMG giggling Spanish speaking baby!!! *asplode*

Now in line to do my photo. Anything has to be better than my NV photo, where I look like a stoned cadaver.

They do the photo before the exam here. So you can look extra nervous & shifty, like when you’re pulled over.

OMG PERFUME. And “Empire State of Mind”.

Super Grover ring tone is WIN!!

Angry Korean lady is angry at clueless Filipina. “ID & license are NOT the same! What do you WANT?!”

I passed first attempt, homies! I iz a real Californicator nao!! WOOT!!!!!

This next series of tweets can be located under #IfKJWroteTheDMVTest:

After taking the CA driver test, I have a few suggestions for new questions. Most involve things not in the handbook…

When a delivery vehicle, [of packages/tourists/elderly/Kardashians] blocks all lanes of a street, how to proceed?

A Lexus is going 20 on a 40mph street. Do you: A. Pass when safe B. Dick punch the driver C. He controls your career.

When a woman is walking in 6″ spike heels & gets stuck in the tar at a crosswalk, do you A. Laugh B. All of the above?

It is legal to discard a lit butt out the window: A. When it’s raining. B. Next to Oprah’s house during fire season.

When you are Robert Loggia, you are legally allowed to A. Sell orange juice. B. Pistol whip a tailgater.

When valet parking: A. Talk on your cell phone & fail to hand your keys over. B. Assume gears will be stripped.

If you have to get to a yoga class: A. you always have the right of way B. SUVs can’t hit you. C. All of the above.

When parallel parking a Mercedes or SUV: A. Be sure to spend 20 minutes. B. You’re allowed a little red. C. All above

Since I’m on my blog now & not limited to 140 characters, here’s a bit more.

Choose the best answer for Beverly Hills road conditions: A. Lines delineating lanes are mere suggestions B. If an oncoming car is making a left turn, slow down on your approach, then speed up rapidly, or inexplicably stop C. OMG Henri Bendel!!! D. Rules do not apply. You haz Mercedes.

When raining: A. It is in fact the apocalypse. B. Lines delineating lanes are mere suggestions, though honestly it IS very hard to see them. C. Don’t go anywhere, ever. D. You should stop frequently for no reason.

A pedestrian approaches the cross walk. Choose the best response: A. OMG OMG it’s yellow! Gun a left turn! B. All Santas are cops. C. ¡Hey, mami, muy caliente! ¡Que tetas! D. Bump Weezy.

An alley must be traversed: A. At 15 mph maximum speed. B. Because it might have coveted free parking C. To see if Little Squeebo’s got the cheese D. As though you are making a run at the Death Star exhaust port.


5 thoughts on “Licensed to Drive

  1. DJWeideman says:

    D. Lurvezd all of the above. I had to look up Bump Weezy.

  2. Xenaclone says:

    Ah! Now I understand you’re needing to acquire a CA licence!

  3. QueenAimee says:

    I love your people descriptions. DMV’s are so boring, but next time I have to go in, I’ll know what to do to keep things alive.

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