No Candy For Those Who Kill

I’ve lived in Los Angeles long enough now that it’s starting to inhabit my dreams. The one I had last night was particularly California-y by way of J.J. Abrams, because it was supposed to be set on the Vermont/Canada border but looked more like Ventura & Kester. Yet was labeled on the “screen” of my mind in big block white letters as VERMONT/CANADA BORDER.

The coolest part of my dream? I looked like Eliza Dushku sometimes. But only sometimes. I was like a wereDushku.

It was clear I was on the well marked, Ventura-y border of Canada because some nefarious happenings were happening. For one, nearly everyone spoke French, which I could speak fluently though I’m pretty sure it was pig French. Also, people kept telling me there were human monsters in Canada, leaking through the poorly patrolled Vermont border, and I had to kill them.

Here’s the part where the boys get excited & then disappointed. The human monsters were infiltrating a Lesbian Conference, though it was French, so it sounded like less-bee-EHN. Lesbians (yes, all of them) were launching a product that would make people lesbian at will.

This product looked like the thing quarterbacks wear to protect their kidneys. No, I’m serious. You strap it around your waist, a lesbian blows it up like a water wing, & boom, you’re a lesbian. It was reluctantly demonstrated by a real life friend of mine who IS a lesbian, but in the dream she insisted she was not until she put on the LesbiFloat (I can’t make this shit up, people). After doing so, she proclaimed to the crowd, “Je suis une lesbienne!” and they all erupted in applause.

I then noticed out the corner of my eye a disturbance. My “mentor”, who was some nondescript weird Phil Collinsy guy, sent me after a girl, stating she was a human monster like a vampire, but not. I was to kill her before she ruined the LesbiFloat conference.

I chase her through what I guess are the quaint streets of Vermontreal, down steampunk escalators & into home made candy shops. I tracked her down to a house with a creepy little old lady. The lady was clearly scared, but creepy. She pointed me upstairs & I found the creature in the attic. She looked like Hilary Duff, but even scarier.

She lunged at me, hissing like a cat. We went out a tiny window, taking bits of rotting wooden frame & shutter out with us as we tumbled to the ground below. She grabbed a piece of wood & wielded it like a stake. She tried to stab at me, but the Phil Collinsy mentor & creepy lady were next to me, shouting for me to end her. I wrested the stake from her hand, caught her in the neck, then, slick with her blood, drove it up through her rib cage into her aorta. Blood poured out of her and she finally, silently dropped.

She did not go puff like a Buffy vampire. My mentor told me to leave the body for the dogs & go clean my hands off by finding a duck. I found several ducks & played with them in someone’s above ground pool, so I guess the whole point was to lead a vampire hunter to water.

I returned to the lesbian conference by free running over some roof tops. By the time I got there, my friend Amanda had gotten me a smoothie, but it melted. And Eliza Dushku stopped being me & stole all the gluten free candy. Fuck her!

Then I woke up.

Tonight, on the way home from work, I got a bag of peanut butter M&Ms. That’ll show Dream Eliza Dushku Me!


One thought on “No Candy For Those Who Kill

  1. Larry says:

    Wow – Insta Lesbian. Who would have thunk it 😉

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