Damn, but there was some vitriol last night on The Twitter while the governor of Virginia gave his rebuttal to the State of the Union address. It was mostly not about the speech itself, but about Republicans. Apparently, they are all heartless, mean, kick orphans & skewer puppies whilst astride polo ponies.
This all seemed incongruous with the pleasant face & tone of the governor. I figured there must be some underlying preconception sparking such nastiness, but I’ve yet to hear a rational explanation from anyone. So far it’s been of the “OMG, my parents are so stupid!” flavour. Lots of foot stomping, bang blowing, & pouting.
But Conservatives love you.
Yes, yes they do. They want you to pursue life, liberty, & happiness. They want you to keep the money you earn. They want to help the truly sick & injured. They want you to say what you think, believe what you want, be who you are.
How is that not loving?
But, you protest, in far more words than I will use, The Left cares more. We want to give everybody everything.
Have you met a child whose parents caved to their every whim? How about the adult version of that? Did you in any way enjoy that person’s company? Be honest with yourself. I’m willing to bet cashy money that you fantasized about decking that person repeatedly, particularly if you had the displeasure of working with them.
Spoiling a child is abuse. It’s mental abuse. When someone grows up thinking the world owes them a living, the world has another thing coming for them. Usually, it’s debt, divorce, redundancy, & the ocassional beat down. They also tend to have trouble making decisions on their own, feeling independent, and forming meaningful relationships.
Conservatives don’t treat you like you’re three years old. They expect you to pick up your room & wash your own dishes, mister. But if you are ever in true need…if you come back fighting for this country wounded, or you are born according to God’s plan in a manner that makes it difficult to get by on your own without help, Conservatives drop the tough love stance and give you a hand up.
Unless, of course, like my brother, you are a manipulative little sod. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that folks with Down syndrome can’t lie, set booby traps, charm their way out of due punishment or kick your arse in basketball. My brother is living proof that Downs people are heartless bastards. No mercy, that guy. None.
Oh, you think they’re cute, because they hug you & their faces light up when they see you. But after they hug you, feel around for the “kick me” sign or, even better, the tamale in your hoodie. Also, somehow, against your better judgment, you’ve made them a sandwich. Yeah. Evil.
Huh? Where was I? Oh yeah. Conservatives. They dig you enough to tell you to how to take responsibility for your own life & then let you do it. If you are free to fail, you are free to succeed. In that vein, if you are free to speak your mind, you are free to be offended. Small price. Talk it out, folks. Hug it out, if it won’t be considered sexual harassment. Nobody should ever be afraid to respectfully voice their opinion or disagree, but also remember some of us are not afraid to ask how you came by your asinine assertions. We expect no less of you back; just make sure you have done the reading before you ask.
Another thing you may not believe about Conservatives, in addition to their loving you…
Conservatives love to celebrate and love a party. No? You don’t think Conservatives have fun? You’ve not read P.J. O’Rouke’s Republican Party Reptile, huh? For that matter, you’ve never been to a Republican fundraiser. I have some stories…
Every fundraiser I’ve been to was, ostensibly, to make my father look funny & charming. I can turn any wackjob statement resulting from a poor grasp of English into what seems like an intentional joke. This is essential after my dad has had five Pink Ladies (“They kept bringing them to me, Kay-lee!”) and sucked the juice out of the lobster head while the candidate is speaking (“Eet’s got the most flay-voor, Kay-lee!”). Imagine Ensign Chekov crossed with Arnold Schwarzenegger & you have my father’s accent. Of course, the highly soused elderly trophy wife across from us was utterly convinced my really quite obviously Slovak father was Irish. This is because my father told her he was Irish for about twenty minutes. Republicans do love their fun. And free cocktails. Well, not free at $1000.00 a plate, but still.
They keep bringing them to you!
Republican parties are way more fun than any frat party or lesbian vegan barbecue I’ve ever been to, & yes I can say that I have been to plenty of all three. I have no idea why I get invited to lesbian vegan barbecues, but they are always delightful (& I’m not being snarky). However, the fundraisers & charity events are still more fun. For starters, better booze. For seconds, you know you are doing something good with the money you plonked down. For thirds, the conversation is fast paced & well informed and the men do tend to be hot and dressed like grown-ups. I can’t say that for any frat party I’ve trolled & of course there are no men at a lesbian vegan barbecue.
Conservatives like when Liberals show up to their parties. Want to call out criticism? No problem! It’s like a game. What will the self-righteous lefty say next? Who can score the most polite points? And the ultimate challenge, who will show him the error in his logic & change him into a full time right winger for life? King of the Lab!
If you don’t have any money, & these days, that’s lots of us, you can get into Republican functions by volunteering. Be on the committee; help pick the charity. Then, you too can suck the lobster head, but for free!
There’s always a way. And see, that’s a very Conservative attitude to take. People think that’s Liberal, but it ain’t. There are no excuses in the Conservative world. If one way doesn’t work, find another. This is the land of opportunity, and all you need do is some leg work to find it. No, it might not manifest immediately. Nothing worth having ever comes terribly easy (unless you prayed for it; then it was bought with the blood of Christ, in which case it wasn’t easy to begin with). Yay, are you done laughing at the Christian reference? Do you feel happier now that you had a good laugh? I’m glad; it’s my job to make you happy. I am actually not being snarky.
Because that’s the thing. We don’t take offense at your public mockery of us. We understand that you think you have special knowledge that makes you brighter than us. We get it. The difference is, we know we have special knowledge that makes us brighter than you. I kid. We know we aren’t perfect & we know we make mistakes. We wish Liberals knew that about themselves, too, but meh, whuteryagonnado?
We also know Keith Olbermann is out there waiting to wax hyperbolic about our mistakes, and that’s kinda funny.
You think we’re racist; we think you draw attention to race by not bothering to evaluate a person based on their merits regardless of race. You think we’re sexist; we think you don’t appreciate what each sex can inherently achieve. You think we don’t give a damn about the health & safety of the nation; we think you should actually read the proposed bills and see that Congress gives even less of a damn than you think we do. Taxing durable medical equipment? How is that caring? Forcing you to buy insurance whether you want it or not? How is that sharing? Taking assistance away from people with ALS and end stage renal disease so people like me with migraines can be covered for our pre-existing conditions? Seriously? I can live without my meds; forcing someone with ALS to wait for an authorization for treatment could have serious consequences.
What I’ve learned is that when we are told by the government to treat everybody equally, all we end up doing is treat everybody equally like shit. Before all these insurance programs and relative value units, doctors were able to cut deals with patients that truly needed it. Now? If we don’t charge everybody the same thing, no matter what, we get cited for kick back laws. If a doctor accepts Medicare, he is not allowed to discount anybody below a Medicare allowable, so sorry guy with kidney failure & radiation treatment who has $30,ooo a month in bills. We have to send you to collections if you don’t make payments because we’re not allowed to write your bill off. It’s not “fair” to everyone else.
Oh also? Even if you don’t accept Medicare, you still have to abide by their rules because just about every insurer has adopted Medicare guidelines. Why? Medicare follows a morass of rules most providers don’t have the time or law degrees to interpret, & if a private insurer cites Medicare precedent for lack of payment, oh the hell well. You are skeeee-rewed. Granted, we throw it right back in their faces, but guess who wins most of the time? That’s right, the giant company with the money & lawyers.
Now you want more government intervention? The government really isn’t as caring as you think. Sure, you’re in the fancy schmancy house with the cult of personality as your daddy now, but the second you’re even a smidge out of line, it’s “No. Wire. Hangars. EVER!” on your bewildered arse. Why did you adopt me indeed!
Ok I have obviously written myself into a sleepy, loopy corner when I’m quoting Mommy Dearest.
Do you get it, though? Do you see who’s yer daddy? Do you want a daddy who lets you sort it out on your own, lets you fall on your face but get back up again and do as you will? Or do you want a daddy who grounds you for ten months and says it’s for your own good? Translation: We’re gonna tax you more to pay down the debt we created because you wanted more stuff. Which we gave you because we wanted something to hold over your head. Granted, none of the stuff worked well, but you asked for it. You wanted to own a home, so even though you didn’t have the income to own a home, we made it so we could tell you that you could afford a home. If you can’t do math, not my problem, says your daddy.
How do we fix this? First of all, learn to embrace the tough but loving parent. That parent does expect you to know math. That parent will not buy you a pony to cheer you up when you realize you can’t do math (only to take the pony away from you because you still can’t do math). That parent will not , however, ask you to contribute part of your allowance to the household income. That parent figures you’re smart enough to sort out what to do with your own money, and if you’re not, then you learned something, didn’t you?
Yes, of course I’m oversimplifying & life is not that cut & dried. It’s a stupid humour blog for God’s sake. In your snippy comments, say something funny; don’t be Captain Obvious. But on the serious tip? The simplest, happiest thing ever is realizing you alone are in control of your existence in relation to this country. Like Satre said, people are afraid of freedom because it comes with responsibility, but it’s really quite…freeing. Ok seriously it’s time for bed.
Actually it might have been Simone Bouvier who said that…aww hell. Whatevs.
Whatevs = seriously time for bed.