Conservatives Are Cuddly; We Wubzes You!

Damn, but there was some vitriol last night on The Twitter while the governor of Virginia gave his rebuttal to the State of the Union address. It was mostly not about the speech itself, but about Republicans. Apparently, they are all heartless, mean, kick orphans & skewer puppies whilst astride polo ponies.

This all seemed incongruous with the pleasant face & tone of the governor. I figured there must be some underlying preconception sparking such nastiness, but I’ve yet to hear a rational explanation from anyone. So far it’s been of the “OMG, my parents are so stupid!” flavour. Lots of foot stomping, bang blowing, & pouting.

But Conservatives love you.

Yes, yes they do. They want you to pursue life, liberty, & happiness. They want you to keep the money you earn. They want to help the truly sick & injured. They want you to say what you think, believe what you want, be who you are.

How is that not loving?

But, you protest, in far more words than I will use, The Left cares more. We want to give everybody everything.

Have you met a child whose parents caved to their every whim? How about the adult version of that? Did you in any way enjoy that person’s company? Be honest with yourself. I’m willing to bet cashy money that you fantasized about decking that person repeatedly, particularly if you had the displeasure of working with them.

Spoiling a child is abuse. It’s mental abuse. When someone grows up thinking the world owes them a living, the world has another thing coming for them. Usually, it’s debt, divorce, redundancy, & the ocassional beat down. They also tend to have trouble making decisions on their own, feeling independent, and forming meaningful relationships.

Conservatives don’t treat you like you’re three years old. They expect you to pick up your room & wash your own dishes, mister. But if you are ever in true need…if you come back fighting for this country wounded, or you are born according to God’s plan in a manner that makes it difficult to get by on your own without help, Conservatives drop the tough love stance and give you a hand up.

Unless, of course, like my brother, you are a manipulative little sod. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that folks with Down syndrome can’t lie, set booby traps, charm their way out of due punishment or kick your arse in basketball. My brother is living proof that Downs people are heartless bastards. No mercy, that guy. None.

Oh, you think they’re cute, because they hug you & their faces light up when they see you. But after they hug you, feel around for the “kick me” sign or, even better, the tamale in your hoodie. Also, somehow, against your better judgment, you’ve made them a sandwich. Yeah. Evil.

Huh? Where was I? Oh yeah. Conservatives. They dig you enough to tell you to how to take responsibility for your own life & then let you do it. If you are free to fail, you are free to succeed. In that vein, if you are free to speak your mind, you are free to be offended. Small price. Talk it out, folks. Hug it out, if it won’t be considered sexual harassment. Nobody should ever be afraid to respectfully voice their opinion or disagree, but also remember some of us are not afraid to ask how you came by your asinine assertions. We expect no less of you back; just make sure you have done the reading before you ask.

Another thing you may not believe about Conservatives, in addition to their loving you…

Conservatives love to celebrate and love a party. No? You don’t think Conservatives have fun? You’ve not read P.J. O’Rouke’s Republican Party Reptile, huh? For that matter, you’ve never been to a Republican fundraiser. I have some stories…

Every fundraiser I’ve been to was, ostensibly, to make my father look funny & charming. I can turn any wackjob statement resulting from a poor grasp of English into what seems like an intentional joke. This is essential after my dad has had five Pink Ladies (“They kept bringing them to me, Kay-lee!”) and sucked the juice out of the lobster head while the candidate is speaking (“Eet’s got the most flay-voor, Kay-lee!”). Imagine Ensign Chekov crossed with Arnold Schwarzenegger & you have my father’s accent. Of course, the highly soused elderly trophy wife across from us was utterly convinced my really quite obviously Slovak father was Irish. This is because my father told her he was Irish for about twenty minutes. Republicans do love their fun. And free cocktails. Well, not free at $1000.00 a plate, but still.

They keep bringing them to you!

Republican parties are way more fun than any frat party or lesbian vegan barbecue I’ve ever been to, & yes I can say that I have been to plenty of all three. I have no idea why I get invited to lesbian vegan barbecues, but they are always delightful (& I’m not being snarky). However, the fundraisers & charity events are still more fun. For starters, better booze. For seconds, you know you are doing something good with the money you plonked down. For thirds, the conversation is fast paced & well informed and the men do tend to be hot and dressed like grown-ups. I can’t say that for any frat party I’ve trolled & of course there are no men at a lesbian vegan barbecue.

Conservatives like when Liberals show up to their parties. Want to call out criticism? No problem! It’s like a game. What will the self-righteous lefty say next? Who can score the most polite points? And the ultimate challenge, who will show him the error in his logic & change him into a full time right winger for life?  King of the Lab!

If you don’t have any money, & these days, that’s lots of us, you can get into Republican functions by volunteering. Be on the committee; help pick the charity. Then, you too can suck the lobster head, but for free!

There’s always a way. And see, that’s a very Conservative attitude to take. People think that’s Liberal, but it ain’t. There are no excuses in the Conservative world. If one way doesn’t work, find another. This is the land of opportunity, and all you need do is some leg work to find it. No, it might not manifest immediately. Nothing worth having ever comes terribly easy (unless you prayed for it; then it was bought with the blood of Christ, in which case it wasn’t easy to begin with). Yay, are you done laughing at the Christian reference? Do you feel happier now that you had a good laugh? I’m glad; it’s my job to make you happy. I am actually not being snarky.

Because that’s the thing. We don’t take offense at your public mockery of us. We understand that you think you have special knowledge that makes you brighter than us. We get it. The difference is, we know we have special knowledge that makes us brighter than you. I kid.  We know we aren’t perfect & we know we make mistakes. We wish Liberals knew that about themselves, too, but meh, whuteryagonnado?

We also know Keith Olbermann is out there waiting to wax hyperbolic about our mistakes, and that’s kinda funny.

You think we’re racist; we think you draw attention to race by not bothering to evaluate a person based on their merits regardless of race. You think we’re sexist; we think you don’t appreciate what each sex can inherently achieve. You think we don’t give a damn about the health & safety of the nation; we think you should actually read the proposed bills and see that Congress gives even less of a damn than you think we do. Taxing durable medical equipment? How is that caring? Forcing you to buy insurance whether you want it or not? How is that sharing? Taking assistance away from people with ALS and end stage renal disease so people like me with migraines can be covered for our pre-existing conditions? Seriously? I can live without my meds; forcing someone with ALS to wait for an authorization for treatment could have serious consequences.

What I’ve learned is that when we are told by the government to treat everybody equally, all we end up doing is treat everybody equally like shit. Before all these insurance programs and relative value units, doctors were able to cut deals with patients that truly needed it. Now? If we don’t charge everybody the same thing, no matter what, we get cited for kick back laws. If a doctor accepts Medicare, he is not allowed to discount anybody below a Medicare allowable, so sorry guy with kidney failure & radiation treatment who has $30,ooo a month in bills. We have to send you to collections if you don’t make payments because we’re not allowed to write your bill off. It’s not “fair” to everyone else.

Oh also? Even if you don’t accept Medicare, you still have to abide by their rules because just about every insurer has adopted Medicare guidelines. Why? Medicare follows a morass of rules most providers don’t have the time or law degrees to interpret, & if a private insurer cites Medicare precedent for lack of payment, oh the hell well. You are skeeee-rewed. Granted, we throw it right back in their faces, but guess who wins most of the time? That’s right, the giant company with the money & lawyers.

Now you want more government intervention? The government really isn’t as caring as you think. Sure, you’re in the fancy schmancy house with the cult of personality as your daddy now, but the second you’re even a smidge out of line, it’s “No. Wire. Hangars. EVER!” on your bewildered arse. Why did you adopt me indeed!

Ok I have obviously written myself into a sleepy, loopy corner when I’m quoting Mommy Dearest.

Do you get it, though? Do you see who’s yer daddy? Do you want a daddy who lets you sort it out on your own, lets you fall on your face but get back up again and do as you will? Or do you want a daddy who grounds you for ten months and says it’s for your own good?  Translation: We’re gonna tax you more to pay down the debt we created because you wanted more stuff. Which we gave you because we wanted something to hold over your head. Granted, none of the stuff worked well, but you asked for it. You wanted to own a home, so even though you didn’t have the income to own a home, we made it so we could tell you that you could afford a home. If you can’t do math, not my problem, says your daddy.

How do we fix this? First of all, learn to embrace the tough but loving parent. That parent does expect you to know math. That parent will not buy you a pony to cheer you up when you realize you can’t do math (only to take the pony away from you because you still can’t do math). That parent will not , however, ask you to contribute part of your allowance to the household income. That parent figures you’re smart enough to sort out what to do with your own money, and if you’re not, then you learned something, didn’t you?

Yes, of course I’m oversimplifying & life is not that cut & dried. It’s a stupid humour blog for God’s sake. In your snippy comments, say something funny; don’t be Captain Obvious. But on the serious tip? The simplest, happiest thing ever is realizing you alone are in control of your existence in relation to this country. Like Satre said, people are afraid of freedom because it comes with responsibility, but it’s really quite…freeing. Ok seriously it’s time for bed.

Actually it might have been Simone Bouvier who said that…aww hell. Whatevs.

Whatevs = seriously time for bed.

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7 thoughts on “Conservatives Are Cuddly; We Wubzes You!

  1. Magnus says:

    Having actually spent some time as a DNC and RNC volunteer I can tell you the real difference between the two: Republicans have more fun daily but Democrats have more consistently fun parties.

    Here are other things I discovered:

    1. People in both parties are just as confident their side is right and that the other side is a bunch of idiots.

    2. Both sides lack just about the same amount of morals.

    3. Republicans are in no way more racist than Democrats (even less so).

    4. Conservatives are a deeply bigoted group. However, bigoted Democrats seem to accept their beliefs as normal while bigoted Republicans have a whole mess of logic-bombs that excuse their bigotry as some righteous embracing of the “real” America where everyone moves up in the world by “working hard” and that if they don’t, then they are just part of the lower class who don’t deserve any help. These Republicans absolutely believe this is true and that everyone who does not work hard is a loser who deserves to be tossed into a ditch by the side of the road… even if Jesus would not approve.

    5. I should mention that conservatives are very religious, whether they be part of the DNC or RNC, and yet they ignore the rules of their own religion whenever it contradicts their political beliefs. But when religion fits into their political beliefs, then it is the most absolute proof that they can behave like asshats.

    Neither conservatives nor liberals are an authority on logic and good ideas. Give me god believing/agnostic moderate independents any day and you will see ideas not confused by strict lines in the sand.

    P.S.

    Love ya, girl!

  2. Carter Dotson says:

    You know, all I get out of this is that conservatives, for whatever reason, are convinced into thinking that they’re better, and are aggressively devoted to this passion for better (legitimate smaller government interests, trying to shoot down the health care reform bill) or for worse (pretty much anything involving social values/policy, not trying to reform health care when they did have the power, the whole ‘creationism as science’ nonsense).

    And when you say “we know we have special knowledge that makes us brighter than you. I kid. We know we aren’t perfect & we know we make mistakes.” The problem is that the sentences for many conservatives are reversed – they DO think they’re perfect and don’t make mistakes and can say and do whatever hypocritical thing they want without even realizing their hypocrisy.

    It’s also just hard to back the ideology that wants to give the people with the money more power (anti-net neutrality, the recent SCOTUS corporate contributions decision), and prevent social and intellectual progress, when the opposite ideology’s doing things like trying to reform health care. If conservatives WERE as warm and fuzzy as you said, Kellie, what you say would ring far more true – but it just sounds like what you think the archetype of conservatism should be, not what it actually is.

  3. zaftiq says:

    I would probably be a republican if it weren’t for the LGBT issue, which, I know is not mutually exclusive, but sure feels like it when it comes to checking the little boxes on the forms.

    Because in reality, I’m pretty damned conservative. And the rest of America, the unwashed masses with their 15 starving babies and their meth addictions? They can die in a fire. Gimme the babies, first, though, so something positive can be done about that.

    Tangentially, I know a woman who keeps having babies so WA and OR (yes, she is milking BOTH systems until we reported her) will give her welfare. I hate welfare. It makes the lazy even lazier, and children grow up with the idea that *this is how it is*. Mommy gets food and money for X-Boxes by sitting on her ass and doing drugs, not going out and getting a job. Granted, I have known a *handful* of people whose pride finally gave in, and they applied for foodstamps to supplement a tiny income. But that’s a small drop in an oceanful of lazy bastards. I think it’s worth noting that I grew up on welfare.

    I have no idea how that turned into a welfare rant, when I was really going to tell you about the lady who tried to sell her infant son on the street so she could buy more meth. And they might be putting her back with him instead of letting his wonderful and devoted foster mother adopt him.

    In any case, they can bring all the unwanted, unloved babies to me. Right.

    wtf, Zaf?

  4. Aircrash says:

    I am pretty much with Zaf (duh.) in that I am an economic Conservative and a social Liberal, (Did you know Ex-cons get free health care in WA? WTF!?!?!) I think that if you fuck up your life, suck it up deal with it. If you can’t take care of your kid, you lose it and a happy gay couple gets it.

    I do believe in actually helping (teach a man to fish style) affordable quality education, job search help, affordable check ups to help prevent expense illness down the line.

    Now on the other hand, I don’t believe in god and i don’t care about ‘values’ I don’t think religion should be taught at public school. (let them take a theology class when they are older and better understand things.) I CERTAINLY think that not teaching proper sex ed starting at a young age out of some out dated puritan thinking is the worst thing for kids making it harder for them when they are teenagers and easier for people to hurt them if they are uninformed.

    I also firmly believe that people should cheerfully be able to do what every the fuck they like to make themselves happy so long as every one involved is of age and no one is getting hurt (or more hurt that they like) and they accept the consequences. Outside of that if someone is going to hell is is not the States job to stop them.

    So yeah, me and Zaf are starting a new party, we are calling it “sane people.”

    • Maeko says:

      Oh, and ditto.

      Except I haven’t decided on whether I’m a fiscal conservative, but I am WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY socially liberal. And religion + government. Freedom of religion is also freedom FROM religion as defined in my citizenship classes “Freedom of religion means the freedom TO practice or NOT practice any religion.” There are separation mandates for a reason.

      That’s not to say we shouldn’t teach our children ideals and morals and principles what will govern their actions and give them guidance for how to properly behave in a society, but religion does not belong in schools. That is what church and church schools are for. They are privately funded, whereas public school should uphold the first amendment, which is freedom of religion–they can teach philosophy classes and teach a comparative theology class just like other electives, but if there’s a religious agenda it belongs in a privately funded institution and not one that is funded by public dollars.

      And I second everything Aircrash says.

      But with much more love and snuggles. 🙂

  5. Maeko says:

    The vitriolic comments come from both sides, and the most adamant, the most vehement and the most audible of the two are always the extremists and fundamentalists of each faction that make the other party look as bad as possible to the other. It’s like the handful of terrorists who make Islam look like a religion that fosters hate, or Christians who are a bunch of selfish violent pro-lifers with no open-mindedness anywhere, or Jews as money grubbers, etc. etc. It’s always the few who ruin it for everyone else. The Limbaughs and the O’Reilly’s and the (oh, I can’t come up with any angry liberals who are as famous as those two), but you know what I mean?

    I’m a liberal, but I’m a centrist. I don’t always believe in what Obama’s doing, and I think he’s not going to make anyone happy because he’s got to compromise. So the most verbal of both sides are going to say he’s not doing a good job, because he’s not doing what the very LOUD few want, but it’s his JOB to try to compromise and get both sides a little bit of everything… I think he’s got a bum job, honestly, but someone’s got to do it, and I support him, because I think he’s doing what he can with a shit hole to begin with….

    Anyway, I’m a snuggly liberal and I love you. Just don’t yell at me. I’m fragile.

  6. Maeko says:

    Not all conservatives are full of love. Limbaugh and O-Reilly eat babies. They really do. And they tell other people to.

    I really need to find some serious asshole liberals, but honestly, none come to mind.

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