Ass Slapping. For America.

{ March 6, 2011 @ 5:42 am } · { Sharing Time }
{ Tags: comedians, comedy, Red Eye, Stephen Kruiser }

What follows is a transcript of my Twitter feed during Stephen Kruiser’s birthday party at a West LA eatery Friday, March 4. Most of you know Stephen Kruiser as “that guy with the hair” on Fox’s “Red Eye” and “the super king of Twitter #ForAmerica #AlsoButNoPelicansForOilBlameBushPalinHitler”.

Sadly I am almost completely deaf in my left ear & hence, awful in crowds. But I managed to tweet some of the more brilliant things I caught Kruiser saying, plus some other gems. I’ve put them in correct chronological order rather than Twitter order, & cleaned them up for readability without changing the actual spoken content. Enjoy guilt-free, as Stephen has already gone to confession for all of this:

“I crap baby tigers & then beat them to death with hobos.” –SK

“She’s fucking Charlie Sheen?” –Kinsey Schofield
“Aren’t we all? With our minds?” –SK

“I’m pretty sure someone at the other end of the table just said bi-fisting & I’m pretty sure it was @stephenkruiser.” –my tweet, sans tweetness

“That’s a fucking ballsack full of winning.” –SK
“Full of weiner?” –I *think* this was Tish.

“We are winning the Asian hooker future!” — SK

“Fu Man Cheinstein.” In re: @stephenkruiser’s manscaping.” –my own tweet

“‘Hey Jude’: THAT’S about oral sex. Ah ah ah AH AHA HA LAAAAA” — SK [The visuals here were stunning.]

“I just sizzled my own man clit!” — SK

“It took me two years to figure out the Mormons were running a human zoo in Hawaii.” — @ktabin

“My Adonis DNA is gonna drip right in your face in a minute, homie.” — SK

“You know what to hashtag that. #SFK.” — SK as he received a free glass of wine.

“They’re out of paper towels.” — me
“C’mere. Wipe your hands on my junk.” — SK

…and then he spanked me, in accordance with the prophecy.